I am lost in thought when I realize I am staring at a young mom breastfeeding her infant in the food court. I turn my attention back to my young daughters who are munching away their snacks. Tears are burning my eyes. The most natural and healthy act as a mother is to breastfeed your child. I could not.
It seems like everyday there are stories of how moms are being shunned for breastfeeding in public. If I could have, I would flash them here and everywhere because I would be proud that I can.
When I was 21, I decided to have a breast reduction to make self-exams easier. My mother died of breast cancer at thirty-eight. At the post-op check up the doctor said that I ‘probably’ could breastfeed future children. As I was a newlywed at the time, children were far from my mind.
When I was in my third trimester with my first child I ate up every morsel of breastfeeding information I could and skimmed over the bottle feeding discussions. Bottles and formula are so expensive and time consuming. Despite recent studies showing that my chances to breastfeed were slim, I held strong onto the power of positive thinking.
Minutes after my oldest daughter was born, she latched on like a pro. For days I tried everything to get my milk to come in. Nothing but an ounce arrived. My daughter was hungry. I gave into the outside pressures to get the bottles and formula. I had to get my husband to give her the first one. I cried the whole time. I felt like such a failure.
When my second daughter was born, she had no interest in my breast. It is like she knew there was nothing there. I did not have the strength to go through the marathon again to try to produce any amount of milk.
I snap back to reality as my three-year-old beauty smiles at me when our eyes meet across the table. My toddler waddles over to me demanding to be picked up in a big hug. I realize that even before I met them, I knew I needed to be here by having the surgery.
I am here to be their mom because my mom could not be here now for me.
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