13 Insignificant Sounds Guaranteed to Keep Your Baby From Falling Asleep

You, too, can have a baby who thinks he’s had a real nap when all he’s had is 2.5 minutes of dozing.

If your child is anything like mine, he can sleep through the apocalypse, once he’s deep in sleep. However, falling asleep requires a special kind of silent juju that I still haven’t got straight after 2 kids. Here, in no particular order, are the things that will send a baby from dozing peacefully to to babbling excitedly, as though a nap had already taken place.

Which, you know, hadn’t. 

1. The cat meowing in the hall. Even once.

2. Your partner sneezing in the next room.

3. The baby’s sibling calling “Mama” from the other side of the house.

4. The microwave beeping.

5. A dog down the street barking.

6. You, yawning.

7. The floor, creaking within a 25 foot radius.

8. A truck driving by your house.

9. Snapping your nursing bra back together.

10. Accidentally cracking your knuckles.

11. The toilet flushing.

12. The front door closing.

13. Quietly getting up from wherever you were sitting/lying as baby was falling asleep.

Yes, it’s true! You, too, can have a baby who thinks he’s had a real nap when all he’s had is 2.5 minutes of dozing. Now you only have to survive another hour or two of cranky baby time, before you can try this all over again!

Previously published at The Joy of Cooking (for Little Assholes).




RELATED: To My Friends Who Don’t Have Kids Yet

Glynis Ratcliffe used to be an opera singer, but after her daughter begged her to stop singing and be quiet for the millionth time, she decided to use her inside voice and write instead. Now, she’s a freelance writer with bylines at The Washington Post, Chatelaine, Lifehacker, and CBC, as well as being a copywriter and ghostwriter for clients in various industries.