“After weeks of crying more than my newborn, I made the choice to switch to formula. I am consumed with guilt! The message that “breast is best” is EVERYWHERE.”
“I feel like I am not a good mother. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed this baby and now I have to supplement with formula.”
“I feel like I have failed as a mom because I couldn’t stand the pain of breastfeeding any longer. I feel guilty and heartbroken. I really wanted to breastfeed."
Our hearts go out to these mothers. To have tried so hard and yet feel they have failed is truly heartbreaking.
As International Board Certified Lactation Consultants, we have worked with many, many breastfeeding women who have encountered difficulties. Often, they are able to go on and breastfeed exclusively. Other times, despite their best efforts, they have to supplement with formula. Still others decide to discontinue breastfeeding after weeks of struggling.
So how do women who were so motivated to breastfeed end up in this situation? Many times, it is due to an issue beyond the mother’s control.
Women may be given incorrect advice from friends, family members or even from those in the medical community. They may have been told to get baby on a schedule or to "not let baby use you as a soother." Not all women have access to qualified support and information at the time they need it.
Medical conditions such as high blood pressure, low thyroid levels, or retained placental fragments can affect milk supply. Women with a low milk supply may benefit from a medical check-up.
A very small percentage of women (less than 1%) may have a low milk supply due to a lack of “milk making tissue” in their breasts. KellyMom explains more in this post.
Some women who are suffering from postpartum depression and/or anxiety make the difficult decision to formula feed for some of the night feeds in an effort to better control their symptoms.
Babies can have challenges that make it difficult to extract milk from the breast or to stimulate milk supply (e.g., medical conditions, the anatomy of the baby’s mouth, prematurity).
Regardless of the underlying reason, women who planned to breastfeed exclusively but were unable to, suffer from intense feelings of guilt, feeling they are not a “good mother.”
What mothers describe as guilt may actually be feelings of grief. The loss of something they really believed in. The loss of something only they could do for their baby. The loss of their prenatal breastfeeding plan.
Please know that a woman’s worth as a mother is not measured by the ounces of breast milk her baby receives. Sometimes success is measured by drops. Do women who are unable to exclusively breastfeed love their babies? Of course. Are they making the best choices for their family? Of course. No one but the parents know the whole story and what is best for their own baby.
As Lactation Consultants, it is our job to be there for moms when breastfeeding does not go the way they planned. It is our job to explore what options have been tried and what other options may be available. It is also our job to support moms through their grieving and to point out their successes.
“Good job! Pat yourself on the back for all the hard work you have done for your baby.”
“Let’s celebrate the breast milk your baby received.”
“Sometimes things happen that are beyond your control”.
Everyone’s experience is different. No two journeys are the same. If you are struggling with guilt or grief, please know that we respect you and the choices you have made for your family, no matter how you feed your baby!
In the word of other mothers:
“Do what is best for you and your baby. Guilt has no place in parenting… Enjoy your baby and be proud of your ability as a mother.”
“Surround yourself with people who care about you. Take in what is helpful and supportive and ignore the rest.”
“It’s OK to feel sad if you have to give up nursing. Accept that you did your best and get on with the business of parenting.”
12 Breastfeeding Myths You Need to Ignore
Printer-friendly version