Dear Toddler Toy Makers,
I don’t know if you're aware of this, but you are the topic of many of my thoughts throughout the day, almost every day. I spend my time both singing your praises, and cursing your existence. The duality of man, as they say?
I love you for the blessed reprieve that you give me in those times when my daughter quietly sits at her tree top jungle station with her gorilla and turtle and just quietly plays by herself. I curse you, and curse you hard, when she is splashing around in the tub. When she picks up the giant puffer fish and gives it a squeeze that shoots out a jet of black, toxic, moldy water.
WTF, Toddler Toy Makers, what the actual frak?
So I have decided to make a proclamation. A list of Toy Maker Ten Commandments, if you will. I’m coming down from high atop the water table, and have my Magnadoodle and Etch A Sketch loaded with my top ten list of don’ts for toddler toys.
I do not want to have to break out the baby bottle brush to reach parts of the toy that somehow my daughter was able to lodge a wet cracker.
Better than being able to take the toy completely a part, how about you just make the toy all one piece. That means no seams, no holes, and no cursing at the sink as I try and use my fingernail to scrape slime off of a ridge inside a tugboat.
That’s how you get mold, and that’s how toys get unceremoniously thrown away.
Water books, super cute in theory, but not in function. If it’s getting wet, then there should be no textured areas on it where mold can grow and thrive.
If I have to unscrew something for this toy and the screws are not standard sized, then the toy should come with a screw driver. And it should somehow adhere to the toy so that A.) I don’t lose it and B.) It’s always there when I need it. Also, and I know this one may be a stretch but, you guys are brilliant and I have faith in you, make it also inaccessible to toddlers, less they pull it out and use it as a tiny sword with which to blind themselves and others.
If the toddler can work it, then we should be able to as well. Don’t over complicate things. I don’t need a two year old making me feel like an idiot. I do a good enough job of making myself feel that way all on my own, thank you very much.
Noise, how about the toys just don’t make any?
If it’s covered in cloth (like those super cute couches that unfold into a bed), I should be able to remove the cloth and wash it. Also, that cloth should be machine washable and be able to go in the drier. The last thing that is going to happen is hand washing and line drying (Toddler Clothing Designers, I’m coming for you next).
They are tiny, I never have them on hand to replace them in toys, and they are dangerous.
Seriously, we don’t need pink dump trucks or blue baby dolls. Just promote the toys with both boys and girls playing with the kids will take care of the rest on their own.
But in all seriousness, thank you Toddler Toy Makers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Even though half of the time my daughter’s toys sit on the floor, untouched. While she instead runs around waiving a ribbon at the stack of paper towel rolls that she pulled out of the closest and stacked like a tower.
Thank you.
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