One of my very closest friends delivered a healthy baby boy recently - her first baby. It brought back a lot of memories of my own experiences after having my first-born Katherine, like the never-ending gaggle of visitors, the long visits, and the non-stop revolving door at our house never seemed to cease. That, coupled with the fact that we were running on fumes, was simply exhausting. We should have laid out some ground rules for excited family and friends.
This is an appeal and a guideline to those family and friends whose loved one is about to have their first baby. I'll call it Newborn Etiquette 101. These are things that most of us are too nice to say out loud. Read and learn.
As new moms, we're so over-protective of the perfect and healthy baby we've just delivered. If we could, we wouldn't allow anyone to even breathe on our brand new baby, let alone have you touch them with hands that may have held a contaminated gas pump just before you got here.
Or place your lips on their perfect brand new heads, as we envision the herpes virus potentially sprouting at any moment on your mouth.
Or laugh and coo all over them, as we imagine the chest infection that's been rumbling in your lungs for the last week, but that you've attempted to suppress with a Halls lozenge on the drive over.
All of a sudden, we become hyper-aware of bacteria, so washing your hands before you cuddle our baby is very much appreciated. It's just common sense.
I still hate pop-ins despite the fact that I no longer have newborns. Imagine a pop-in when you do have a newborn, you're experiencing life with no sleep, your hormones are plummeting, your breasts are exploding, and you're adjusting to life as a parent. The last thing you want to hear is the doorbell with unexpected guests. Make a quick call (even if "you're in the neighbourhood", although, come on, we all know you're not) to ensure that right!this!very!second! is a good time for the sleep-deprived new parents.
I don't care if you're the new grandparents, the next door neighbour, the best friend since childhood, or the third cousin twice removed - it is never ok to pop in on new parents. Even if the pop-in was acceptable pre-baby - it is simply not acceptable any more! The new parents are just too nice exhausted to tell you otherwise.
And, if common courtesy has gone out the window and you've decided to go ahead and pop in, then at least....
This was one that I wasn't fully aware of until I had Katherine. She had to have been about one week old when our doorbell rang. Again. I wanted to weep. I couldn't handle any more visitors and any more pop-ins. On the other side, however, was the best surprise. It was my husband's cousin.
With a giant tray of cheesy lasagna. And a fresh Caesar salad. And a warm garlic bread baguette.
Truly, I wanted to weep with appreciation. It didn't dawn on me, pre-baby, that I really wouldn't have much time (or want or care or have the energy) to cook post-baby. This was one pop-in that I sincerely appreciated. And I appreciated it even more, because she came and went within 10 minutes, which brings me to my next point...
Personally, the lack of sleep derailed me. I need 8-9 hours of sleep on a good day; never mind having a newborn and maybe piecing together 4 hours of broken sleep. When visitors came by in those first few weeks after having Katherine, I welcomed them...for the first half hour.
But then, seriously, it was time to go.
Even my bloodshot, dark-circled, puffy eyes sometimes weren't enough to hint at visitors that it was time to get the hell out of my house. Trust me, new parents are silently begging you to leave after 30 minutes.
There is nothing worse than attempting to swaddle, clothe, or feed your newborn and having Grandma hanging over your shoulder making you feel like you're doing it wrong. While we appreciate and respect the fact that everyone has their own way of bathing a baby, changing a diaper, putting a baby to sleep, we also need to acknowledge that, as parents, we ultimately need to learn how to do it our way.
So, unless the new parents have specifically asked you how to do something, keep the advice to a minimum. Whether parents choose to co-sleep or not, use cloth or disposable diapers, breastfeed or bottle-feed, it's what they believe is best for their own child. Allow them.
The infant stage certainly doesn't last long enough, and, in the grand scheme of things, it is but a mere moment of time. New parents need to be able to learn, grow, adjust, and adapt to their new roles. In doing so, it's sometimes hard to put boundaries in place as the rest of us rejoice in the love and excitement we feel for this tiny, new family member. We have to be sensitive and aware of this shift in roles that these new parents are experiencing, and, respectfully, take a step back and allow them to call the shots.
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