Dear Family Members,
I've called this meeting because something very disturbing has been happening which we need to discuss.
It has come to my attention that someone in this family has been taking the pens from my desk and not returning them. I'm sure whoever "took them" had a very good reason to "borrow" one of my pens and simply "forgot" to return it because that's the kind of person I am. I like to give people the "benefit of the doubt".
If this is the case, please find the pens you "borrowed" and return them to my desk. You see, I am not a big things type of person. I am a little things person. It's the little things in life that put a smile on my face--the occasional glass of wine, a small piece of good chocolate, an automatic toilet not flushing mid-pee--these are the things that make me happy.
The little things also keep me centred and prevent me from walking into the nearest McDonald's and tasering everyone in sight. Pens are a part of this. When I find a good pen, it turns a bad day into a bright sunshiney day - I can see clearly now, the rain is gone and all of that.
A pen that writes without blotching leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy floating about in my happy place. Like drugs but without the chance of arrest. Alternatively, a pen that blotches and leaves smudges makes me want to lobotomize myself and everyone within spitting distance with said pen.
So all I'm asking is that if you "borrowed" one of my pens, give it back right f*cking now.
A-hem....I mean, please return it to my desk when you have a moment. Thank you.
Meeting adjourned.
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