The Things Nobody Tells You Before You Get a Puppy

...So I'm Going to Tell You

The Things Nobody Tells You Before You Get a Puppy

The Things Nobody Tells You Before You Get a Puppy

You've decided to get a puppy! Or maybe you're on the fence and are still trying to decide. Either way, congratulations! I can't even begin to tell you how much that little bundle of joy is going to change your life for the better. If everyone greeted you the way a dog greets you, we'd be living in an incredible world. 

However, it's best to go in with your eyes wide open because there are a few things NOBODY TOLD ME before we got our puppy. Know what? I would have liked to have known because life is better when you're prepared. 

You don't want to be like this when that puppy makes its way through your doors:


It will take a while to settle on your dog’s name

You'll spend hours trying to find the perfect name for your puppy. Maybe you chose a name with meaning, maybe you decided to go for the punny name like “Five Miles” so you can tell everyone you walk five miles every day. Maybe you decided on it beforehand or maybe you waited to meet your puppy to see if the name you had in mind was a good fit.

No matter what name you choose, no matter how perfect it is...for the first three months, your puppy will think her name is “Drop It.”

Drop it will be your new go-to phrase because that little puppy of yours likes to eat, well, everything. 

Speaking of eating everything...

Your sweet little puppy who you’re going to talk baby talk to no matter how much you think you won’t - "because who's the cutest wittle puppy in the world? It's you Ella Bella and I'm going to rub that cute Ella Belly, oh yes I am" - is going to eat everything she can get her little puppy paws on. EVERYTHING. Our puppy has eaten or chewed on all of the following:


The good news is, you’re going to teach her how NOT to chew/eat everything. 

The bad news is, my running shoes were unrecoverable. 

Going for walks is not going to be how you imagined them to be

Maybe you have this image in your head about taking long, peaceful walks with your dog on trails. Or maybe you envision regular walks through your neighbourhood, or even going on an evening jog and "OMG! This dog is going to help me get in shape!"

The reality is that in the first year, she's still a puppy and that little munchkin is going to be curious. Walks will be more like you taking two steps forward and your puppy stopping to sniff the tree, the fire hydrant, a blade of grass, a pine cone, chasing a piece of paper blowing by, and/or eating rabbit poop. It’s a process that needs patience. 

Also, she may simply lay down and refuse to move while she bites her leash (see "eating everything" above).

Gentle advice: This too shall pass. 

Dog hair will take over your home

I’m going to be quite honest with you, you’re going to have to let go of your cleanliness standards a little bit. Once, in a moment of desperation, I asked my friends on Facebook the following:

Tips for keeping on top of dog hair throughout your home – Stat. 

The answers ranged from:

“Just give in to the dark side of knowing it's practically impossible, short of following your dog around with a vacuum cleaner.”


I have no tips, just my own tears.”


"I vacuum pretty much daily, use sheets to cover furniture, and dog pillows so I can easily throw them in the wash. I also use those tape pet-hair rollers every time I leave the house to get rid of the dog hair on my clothes."

But I'm also going to tell you, it’s not all doom and gloom. You’re going to find your own groove on how to keep on top of things and the love and laughter your puppy gives you will MORE than make up for the hair. 

When Your Puppy's Gotta Go, She's Gotta Go

Repeat after me: 

What goes in, must come out.

This is now your mantra for the next couple of months until your cute wittle puppy masters the art of holding her pee and poop. 

During the first couple of months with a puppy, you’re going to lose sleep because they just can’t hold it in. It’s not their fault and you need to be patient. Whether you choose to get up and take your puppy out at night or use puppy pads for her to do her business throughout the night, you're going to get woken up.

And it’s going to be the same thing during the day. As soon as she eats or drinks, you need to become Usain Bolt and do the mad dash to the door to get that puppy outside. 

Even though it may seem like forever when you're going through this process, the time will go by in the blink of an eye and your puppy is going to learn to let you know when she needs to go.

  Helpful Hint: We hung a bell by the door and our puppy now rings it whenever she needs a bathroom break. 

So those are the main things I learned when we got our puppy but the most shocking thing I didn't know, was this: 

Enjoy these #PuppyMoments because your little puppy is going to grow faster than you think and you're going to look back at photos when she was teeny tiny and wonder why you didn't snuggle her more. 


Why Moms Can Never Have a Hot Cup of Coffee

The Elusive Unicorn Of Motherhood

Why Moms Can Never Have a Hot Cup of Coffee

Why Moms Can Never Have A Hot Cup Of Coffee |

I grab my coffee to sit on the front porch and bask in the sun. It’s been too many months since my white legs have seen sunlight. I grab sunglasses to reduce the glare. 

This brief reprieve from the cold weather means even my sleep-until-noon-teen is outside. In a hammock, mind you, but outside nonetheless.

I sit down and put my feet up, a soft sigh escaping my lips. When your kids are younger moments like this are elusive. Moments where you can sip coffee, read a book and contemplate how this much hair can grow on your legs in such a short amount of time. There is always someone wanting you, needing you. Little bodies attached to you like an appendage. 

A few years ago reading a full chapter of a book was an impossibility much like bathroom visits by myself and grocery shopping trips that didn’t involve a meltdown, specifically mine.

I catch him out of the corner of my eye. My pre-teen who thinks he’s a teen riding his bike down the street straight towards the homemade ramp he built in our garage. There’s duck tape involved. 

“Mom, watch me!” he yells and I see him fly into the air and land with a large thump. The front wheel wobbles momentarily and I have visions of my morning coffee being finished in the emergency room while Doogie Howser puts him in a full body cast. 

When did doctors get so young? 

I take another sip of my coffee and realize I now also have hair on my toes where there used to be none. Why are my eyebrows getting thinner and I’m growing hair on my toes? 

“Mom! WATCH!” 

Dear god…. now he's riding his bike with no hands.

He hits the ramp and this time there is no wobble when he lands, just a spectacular crash of tangled limbs and bike parts. 

I get up to grab the Costco-sized tin of band-aids that is now a staple in our house and laugh at the mother I used to be who thought rubber protectors on the corners of tables would keep her kids safe.

My hot coffee remains beside my chair as I take care of the scrapes and tears....even now, it's still as elusive as ever. 

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Dear Parents With Small Kids: We’re Sorry

We're Not Trying To Be Assh*les

Dear Parents With Small Kids: We’re Sorry

Dear Parents of Small Children |

We see you struggling with your toddler in the store. She’s having a meltdown in the candy aisle and you’re on the cusp of tears. 

You look over and there we are with our lanky teens, mature tweens, and school-aged kids who actually help us push the cart and you think how lucky we are to be past this tantruming stage. 

And in a way we are but there is some truth to the old adage “Bigger kids, bigger problems.”

So when we smile at you and say something that sounds trite like “Enjoy this time, it goes by so fast” and you want to punch us in the neck because you’re in the middle of handling an epic meltdown and time actually seems to be standing still as you face the glares of other shoppers….we’re not trying to be an asshole. We really are trying to help.

Also, we forget. Parenting can do that to you. You remember the tantrums and the frustration of a little child whose go to phrase “I do, mummy” makes you clench your stomach so you don’t lose your shit because you know “I do” means it’s going to take 17 minutes to zip up his zipper. 

But it’s like the pain of childbirth, we remember but we don’t remember the ‘actual’ pain, just that it hurt. Because if we remembered the actual pain we wouldn’t ever have kids again and the human race would die out. It’s the same thing with toddler tantrums. We remember it was terrible and the frustration it caused but we can’t put ourselves back at that place and time and, quite frankly, why would we? Masochists, we are not.

Also perspective allows us to look back and laugh at the ridiculousness of having to drag a toddler through a snowstorm while he yells “I hate you, you fucken” because he didn’t want to walk home after school (true story). I’ve never forgotten how that particular episode caused me to (1) call my husband at work and tell him he better not be so much as .06 seconds late coming home and (2) drink an entire bottle of wine. But I'm also able to laugh at it now instead of locking myself in a bathroom wondering how I became such a terrible mother. 

So we say stuff to you like “this too shall pass” and “cherish this time, it goes by quickly” not because we’re trying to be assh*les or diminish what you’re going through, but to give you hope. Because you will get through this and it will pass.

And the next thing you know you’re lying awake at midnight because your teen is out with friends you barely know, driving in a vehicle with a license he just earned three weeks ago, and you just want him to make it home safely. 

The time goes by quicker than you think. 

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