(*Above photo is a facsimilie. Actual son is much, much cuter.)
I didn’t take a first-day-of-school photo of my son this year.
The Bean was so excited about starting a new grade, in a new city, at a new school. He got himself dressed in his favourite new shirt and brushed his freshly cut hair without any nagging from his dad or I. We left the house and the sun was casting a beautiful golden light over the neighbourhood. The Bean’s little red backpack and eager eyes were so adorable, I couldn’t wait to Instagram the whole thing.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t because when I asked The Bean if I could take his picture, he said “no.”
Usually my son is all about being in pictures, hamming it up for my iPhone at virtually every opportunity. I was surprised when he refused a photo. I guessed that perhaps he was bit more self-conscious and preoccupied than he normally would be, what with all the change. After a moment to confirm the rumoured niceness of his teacher, he took off to meet people and explore the yard. By the time the line-up bell rang he already seemed pretty comfortable. Thinking he might be up for it now, I asked again if I could take a picture. Again he said no.
I’m not an especially sentimental person, but I’vetaken a first-day photo every year of The Bean’s school life. I love taking note of the changes that have come about in the year since the previous picture. I have this mom fantasy of a future photobook with fourteen first-day-of-school Beanses, aged 4 to 18, all smiling at me. Now there’s a gap in the record I’ve been keeping. I’m a little embarrassed to tell you how much it bums me out (a LOT!) or how tempted I was to snap a stealth shot (VERY!)
I wanted to beg, to cajole, to press for an explanation and so I could try to talk him out of his reasons. Luckily the second bell rang, robbing me of my chance to do any of that. That’s good because in retrospect, I think all of those would have been bad moves on my part.
As a sex educator, I believe that consent and choice are essential for good sex, But as a parent, teaching my own child that no means no, is more complex, because I have the power and at times the responsibility to make choices for him. My son is still a child. Which means I get to decide where he lives, what food and clothing is available to him, where he can go, what he can do with his times. In a parent-child dynamic sometimes no means “I know you hate needles, but red M&Ms actually don’t cure smallpox, so roll up that sleeve because this is happening.” Despite my son’s frequent assertions to the contrary, for now my partner and I pretty much are the boss of him.
But it’s a temporary charge. He will grow up and make his own decisions but even now I know that no matter how much I love him, no matter how sincerely I have his best interests at heart, ultimately my child doesn’t belong to me. And for me that knowledge is fundamental truth of consent. We each belong to ourselves. Because of my son’s age and ability, he needs someone to make certain decisions for him in order to survive. But he is capable of deciding and expressing whether he wants his picture taken or not. And despite how it makes me feel, believe he’s entitled to make that choice for himself. As hard as it is, I feel that it is also my responsibility as a parent to gradually relinquish my power and over time, give my son control over his own life. I feel it is my responsibility as an educator to live what I teach - that we each get to choose what feels right for our bodies. We get to say “yes” to sex we want; “no” to the sex we don’t and we are never entitled to take away another person’s right to make those same choices for themselves.
Someday, I hope I can look at the blank space in my future photo book and smile. Because more than 14 smiling pictures, I want my son to grow into a young man who knows not only how to make his own choices but to respect the choices that others make for themselves. If a missed photo opportunity helps that to happen, I’ll gladly accept the trade off.
Life presents lots of opportunities to teach our kids about consent. Like this one. Not sure how to talk to you kids about condoms? I've got you covered!
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