Nadine Thornhill: Mummy Sex


Why The Reality Of #YesAllWomen Is NOT Okay!

This Time It's Personal

why #YesAllWomen is not ok

This past Friday, a man named Elliot Rodger stabbed and shot 13 people in Isla Vista, California. Six of his victims died. Rodger is also dead of a gunshot wound to the headself inflicted, according to the last reports I heard.

By now, certain details are common knowledge. We know Rodger’s parents were concerned enough about their son’s behaviour to have alerted police. We know that he was a Men’s Rights activist, engaged in Pick Up Artist subculture. We know that prior to his killing spree, he left a chilling YouTube video about why he felt entitled to slaughter members of his communitywomen in particular.

Tomorrow is the day of retribution, the day in which I will have my revenge against humanity, against all of you. For the last eight years of my life, ever since I hit puberty, I've been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires all because girls have never been attracted to me. Girls gave their affection, and sex and love to other men but never to me.

Rodger’s sense of entitlement and his vicious actions are the culmination of so many things that are broken in our society. My thoughts are overwhelming me. I can’t write everything I’m thinking and, fortunately, I don’t have to. Good people are saying some of the really important stuff that needs to be said about why we can't dismiss this as an isolated incident of violence, why we need to talk to our children, and why men care should care about these issues too.

I wanted to write a very professional piece about some of the troublesome ideas that persist about sexuality in our culture, and how they can lead to the type of violence we saw last Friday. But I started writing and quickly realized that this is personal for me. So, I’m gonna take off my sex educator hat for this post and just tell you how I feel.

When the news broke on Friday, it took me back almost 25 years. December 6th, 1989. That day, I came home from school, turned on the television, and learned that a man fuelled by misogynistic rage had gunned down 14 women at at Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal. It happened so closejust a few hours' drive from where I livedand it forever changed how I saw my place in the world.

I was fourteen years old. The recent changes in my body had brought about litany of warnings from the loved ones in my life. People kept telling me I needed to be cautious now, especially around men. I didn’t believe them.  Just because I now had breasts and curvier hips didn’t mean I was in danger. The notion that I could inadvertently trigger the rage and retribution of a man by simply being a woman seemed ridiculous. Then the Montreal Massacre happened...and I understood.

From that day forward, I began  to consider the threat of violence in the simple choices I made in my day-to-day life. It wasn’t long after the Montreal shootings that I started experiencing some of the unwanted attention I’d been warned about. I learned quickly how to modify the way I moved through the world and began making choices based on what I thought would keep me safe. I learned fast and eventually it became normal.

I am used to the constant threat of misogynistic violence and harassment in my life. Here are some of the “normal” ways it influences my everyday life:

  • When I dress myself, I consider whether people will blame my outfit should I be sexually assaulted.
  • When I leave my home, I assess how likely I am to be harassed based on my mode of transportation, time of day, and destination.
  • I’m never thrown off by catcalls, because it literally happens every time I’m out in public alone.
  • I never go to bars, restaurants, or clubs alone. I’ve tried to enjoy a quiet glass of wine, a nice meal, or to dance in public, but some guy always “insists” on keeping me company, so there’s no point.
  • Virtually every woman I know has been called names by a man she rejected sexually or romantically. Sharing those stories is a gal-bonding experience.
  • I think very carefully about how I express my thoughts on sexuality, gender, and feminism. Like most women who express opinions on the Internet, I get insulted and threatened when I piss people off.

I’m not the only woman who lives this way. If you haven’t yet, go to Twitter and check out #YesAllWomen. This is normal life for us, because we live in a culture that teaches us that violence against women is an inevitable, natural part of the social ecosystem.

Women are constantly subjected to the spectrum of oppressive behaviour that ranges from intrusive pick-up lines to violent rape and murder. We’re taught that it’s just part of the ecosystem, like rain in spring. We’re told that, of course, it’s unfortunate and, of course, we have a theoretical right to not be harmed, but no one can do anything about the crazy people out there and the reality is that our bodies, our actions, our very existence will set people off.

I’m tired of being told there’s nothing that can be done. This is NOT okay! I’m not asking for extraordinary feats of world peace. I’m not expecting a world that’s free of violence. All I want is acknowledgement that I am a person. That my fellow women are people. That doing regular people things, like having breasts and wearing clothes and going places, should not be considered risky, but they are and that’s a sign that things are seriously messed up in our culture. It is NOT just the way things are!

Our music, our movies, our stories tell us that love is about conquest. They tell us that when a man doggedly pursues a woman, that she’ll graciously and happily give in, because that’s how love works. We teach people that sex is like a possession that men desire voraciously and women give reluctantly. Real men always try to get laid. Nice girls hold out. A man who doesn’t pursue an unpartnered woman sexually is weak. A woman who extends friendship to a man isn’t giving him a chance at a valuable relationship, she’s putting him in an emasculating zone.

No, not everyone who believes these things is going on killing sprees. Most don’t. But these are just some of the pervasive ideas that form the foundation of gender-based violence/harassment. I, and every woman I know, have to live with the consequences of these ideas.

On Friday, I turned on my phone and saw that a man, fueled by misogynistic rage, had slaughtered 13 people in Isla Vista. Again, it was so closejust a few hours' drive from where I sit now. It confirmed my understanding of my place in the world. And it makes me so damn angry.

This morning, The Man of Mans asked me what I thought it would look like if things were different. I don’t think violence can be abolishednot entirely. But I would settle for a society that acknowledges that misogyny affects the lives of women in a brutally unfair way.

I would be thrilled if every public display of entitled behaviour were met with unanimous side-eye and outraged cries of, “Hey man, that is NOT COOL!” I would love if the response to women who are harassed and harmed was a simple, “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve it. What can I do to help?”

I’d like to conclude by extending my deep, deep sympathy to the Isla Vista Community, especially those who were wounded and those who lost the people they loved. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve this.

No one does.

For more on #YesAllWomen, check out: "#YesAllMen Should Care About #YesAllWomen," and "Why You Must Share #YesAllWomen With Your Sons."