Sometimes when our minds start to wander, they head straight to the smuttiest corner of our imaginations. We may be surprised, amused, or even embarrassed by the types of thoughts that turn us on. But not only is sexual fantasy very common, it can also be healthy and fun.
Here’s some info on fantasy to give you you food and fuel for thought.
1. Fantasy can help relieve anxiety about sexual performance
Sex with a partner can be tough if we’re preoccupied or feeling self-conscious. Romance novels tell us that great sex is all about intense connection and focus on our partners. Sometimes it is that. And sometimes it’s fighting thoughts about work, kids and the day’s to do list or insecurities about what we look like and how we’re performing. That’s where sexual fantasies can be a great mental distraction. It’s a shiny thing to distract your brain from getting anxiety because your partner’s going down on you and you haven’t showered today. Losing yourself in red hot thoughts of sex on the table at your favourite restaurant, even just for a couple of minutes, can put you in the perfect mood for sexy times with someone else.
2. Fantasy may give you more control over your libido
Before we had the technology to record and store information externally we kept vital knowledge in our brains. Now we’re able to access virtually any piece of info with just a few swipes of a screen. Wonderfully convenient, but some believe that our brains may not be as adept at mental recall as they used to be. Similarly, easy access to pornography means that for some getting aroused is as easy getting online. While porn can be great fun, after awhile some people may find that it’s harder to feel turned on without it. Fortunately, we can improve our ability to turn ourselves on if we practice sexual fantasizing.
Just like we train our bodies, we can train our brains through mental exercise. Spend one minute every day imagining something super hot. The next week spend two minutes a day. Build up to five minutes, maybe even ten. Writing out a sexy fantasy in explicit detail is also a great exercise for our erotic imaginations. I did this recently and I was surprised by how much of a challenge — and a turn on — it was.
3. Fantasy Is Common
The research we have on fantasizing suggests that almost everyone experiences erotic thoughts. Infidelity, sex with multiple partners, and forced sex are amongst the most commonly reported sexual fantasies. People also report fantasizing about specific sex acts like cunnilingus, fellatio, or specific parts of the body like bare breasts or the penis.
It’s important to note that sexual fantasy is also kind of hard to study. Because of shame, social taboo, or moral beliefs, some people may not want to talk about their most ribald thoughts...especially with a scientist. So it’s likely that there’s a lot about erotic thought that hasn’t been captured through formal research.
4. Fantasy can be used to diagnose sexual dysfunction
Sex therapists and sexologists sometimes use fantasy as a way to find out more about a patient experiencing lack of arousal. If a person can become aroused while fantasizing, it may be a clue that there is a psychological rather than a physical issue impeding their mojo.
5. Fantasy is not reality
This one may seem painfully obvious. After all “not real” is pretty much the definition of fantasy. Yet there’s a pretty common misconception that our sexual fantasies are reflections of what we want in our sexual reality, which isn’t really true.
Our imaginations are pretty cool places where we can explore all sorts of scenarios minus the downer that is real-world consequences. We might daydream about competing for Olympic Gold, bravely rescuing kids from a burning school house, or living in solitude on a desert island. I personally have won the Nobel Prize for Rollerskating several times now and I must say it is always an honour.
Enjoying these situations in our minds doesn’t necessarily imply a desire to live them out. We don’t have any true wish to experience years of grueling physical training, see a school burn down or live apart from our loved ones. Sexual fantasies aren’t any different. Sometimes we may be alarmed, even ashamed, by the places our sexual imaginations want to go, particularly if we find ourselves aroused by the thought of something that in reality might be dangerous, illegal or unethical. Does that mean there’s some part of us that really wants this? The answer: probably not. Fantasy is not the expression of a literal real-world desire. Rather it’s a safe way to explore the elements of an idea that we find appealing, fun or arousing. Your sexual fantasies are for you to craft however you want. So remember, just because you’re thinking about it, doesn’t mean you want to do it!
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