From Arnie to Weiner and Tiger, adultery is deeply entrenched in modern society. Historically, biologically, infidelity is a practically a given. According to relationship columnist, Dan Savage, we’d all be better off if we scrapped monogamy, since as a species we’re obviously not cut out for it.
Savage went one step further and suggested, when it comes to sex, heterosexuals would be happier if they started acting more like homosexuals, particularly gay males like himself. Savage claims to be faithful, although his definition of fidelity isn’t exactly textbook.
"My partner's fidelity to me is as important as anyone who's in a monogamous relationship with someone else; we just don't define sexual exclusivity as the be-all and end-all of commitment. In other words, we're faithful to each other, but sometimes we have sex with other people.”
Needless to say, his comments sparked a huge moral controversy.
Something in his genes? Recent research from the Swedish Karolinska Institute has found that men’s faithfulness to their partners may be governed by a specific gene variant – nicknamed the "divorce gene." The more of it you have, the more likely you are to stray.
Savage feels getting a bit on the side may be just the thing to keep a marriage alive. "I'm absolutely not saying that people should be free to sleep with whoever they want… All I'm arguing for is a little latitude, a little forgiveness, a little realism."
However, Andrew Marshall, author of How Can I Ever Trust You Again? From Infidelity to Recovery in Seven Steps, begs to differ, claiming he has yet to meet a heterosexual couple that has made an open relationship work.
"The only couple I've counselled who tried to do that fell at the first hurdle,” says Marshall. “They tried to be honest with one another, but the amount of jealousy and upset was extraordinary… You may think you're having uncomplicated sex, only there's no such thing because sex binds people together.”
Therein lies the paradox. Humans may be unfaithful by nature but we are also -- gay or straight -- programmed to be jealous.
Marshall suggests we aim high instead, and “try to be a little more charitable and try to solve the underlying causes that lie behind infidelity. If people put the same energy they expend on an affair into their marriage or relationship, it's quite possible they could solve their problems."
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