Every now and then something happens in the the world that causes me to wish for a spaceship to magically appear outside my window, and suck me up. Today is one of those days because the Discovery Channel purported that a man would be eaten alive by a giant snake on TV. And then, when it didn't go as planned, all hell broke loose online because how dare a network lie to its viewers!
If you've been following reality shows over the years, then you'll know that #Eaten was bound to happen eventually. The whole concept of a man being devoured by an anaconda seems like a perfectly reasonable evolution from Survivor and Fear Factor, where guests are systematically tortured for our viewing pleasure. It's gladiatorial games for Gen-Xers.
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Trouble is, it's never enough, is it? Once you've got had to eat kangaroo testicles while having rats and maggots crawl all over you in an open grave, producers have to keep upping the ante to keep us sadists, all snug at home, satisfied as we tuck into our kettle corn.
Honestly, our collective blood thirst would make Katniss quake in her boots. The producers at Discovery knew we wouldn't be content simply watching a special about "the plight of the rapidly declining wildlife in the Amazon." Where's the fun in that?
So they led us down the garden path, reeling us in under the pretence that a guy would bite the big one in the most grotesque fashion. In full pageantry, snake guy Paul Rosolie would don a special suit (smeared in pig's blood no less) and let the 'conda gobble him up live on TV. Except there was a snag: once she got past his ears and started to constrict, Rosolie got cold feet and called the whole thing off.
Boy, Twitter was on fire. People were pissed
! They were betrayed! How dare Discovery and Rosolie for that matter fail to deliver on their promise?
"Next time I watch something called #EatenAlive, somebody better get eaten alive" @CaseyPrattCSN
"It's not that I wanted to see murder live on TV (like it doesn't happen in the streets already), but don't mislead the viewers #EatenAlive" @eauxjai
"Next week on #EatenAlive. Paul Rosolie will be swallowed by a REAL Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tune in folks. You've got nothing better to do." @studioexec1
After all, what kind of blood sport worth its salt comes without actual blood? That's two precious hours viewers will never get back. Never mind that an actual man (crazytown notwithstanding) could have lost his LIFE in the process, and still walked away with a cracked rib.
And to think The Hunger Games was marketed as fiction. Hurry the hell up, Scotty. I'm getting nervous down here...