As I was getting to set to participate in my first Weekend to End Women’s Cancers, I agreed to attend a fab fundraiser called Boobfest. I wanted to bring something to the party to show my enthusiasm and decided on homemade chocolate boobs. Of course.
All I needed was a boob ice cube tray and some good quality chocolate. I called a local adult novelty store (had the number on speed dial. Just kidding. Or am I?) and was told they had penises aplenty, but were fresh out of boobs. After a quick Googling (that's what she said), I found what I was looking for. So I put the toddler in the car and threw the Chihuahua in the back—he loves to go cruising. Since it was a warm day, I parked right in front of the store so I could quickly run in and not return to a panting dog. The only panting going on should be inside the sex shop.
As I opened the door, my child let out a breathy, "Woooow!" She was like a kid in a perverted candy store. Holy harlot, there was porn as far as the eye could see. Did you know they actually sell candies to be inserted “places” thus turning people into a kind of human PEZ dispenser? Gruesome but true.
When we entered the store my daughter signed “banana” and “eat” as her eyes fell upon a bottle of banana flavoured lube. “No honey, you can’t eat that. No! That chocolate penis pop is NOT for you. Please put down those underpants, they’re not for eating. Well, they ARE but...never mind.”
While I searched for what I had come in for (and nothing else, I swear!), I heard my daughter exclaim, “Oooh...doll.” She was tugging on the toe of an inflatable girlfriend who was suspended from the ceiling. This was no G-Rated Groovy Girl. In her other hand was a large mauve dildo that she obviously nicked from the toy section or would that be "sex-tion?"
I asked the woman behind the counter for help before my girl spotted the anatomically correct male pelvis on the shelf behind her. I was able to distract her with a set of handcuffs while the sex-lady showed me to the ice cube moulds. I bought two trays, hung the pink fluffy handcuffs back on the wall (clearly in the wrong spot because the sign above stated “Anal Play”) and got the hell out of there.
After all of that, the chocolate boobs didn’t even work out! The trays were cheap and flimsy and they cracked after only one boobie batch. I guess you could say the whole project went "tits up."
Moral of the story: when making chocolates of any shape or form, purchase moulds from a candy making store or at least use something thick and sturdy. Also, if you MUST bring your child with you to an adult novelty store, bring some goldfish crackers or something.
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