Lisa Thornbury: Party Mummy


Twerk It Girl!

Don't Try This At Home (or ANYWHERE for that matter)

My friend Cherie-Lynn dared me to Twerk. Of course I accepted, but needed to look up what Twerking is. I assumed it has something to do with social media — working on a Twitter account or something.

I was wrong. So very wrong. 

Twerking is a weird, highly pelvic and disturbing dance, that if any child of mine ever attempted in public, would land them in 'Time Out' for eleven years. Young girls Twerking isn't pretty.

Know what else isn't pretty? Old girls Twerking. I tried it and sweet holy hell, there was so much jiggling and violent belly rolling going on... I can't even... there are just no words to describe the horror. And that doesn't even cover my wildly flapping inner thighs and the odd clicking sound eminating from my hips. I'm fairly certain I slipped a disc at some point too.

Girls Twerk while making "sexy" faces. I can't even attempt to look sexy without laughing hysterically. Instead of thinking alluring thoughts, I was making a mental note to increase my calcium intake because osteoporosis is clearly imminent. 

Unfamiliar with this abomination called Twerking? This definition should help.

Still confused? This three minute how-to video will shed some light on this for you. Before attempting to Twerk however, you'll need to sign a waiver agreeing not to hold me responsible when you break your hip. Or get arrested.

This is where I planned on posting a video of me Twerking. Until I came to my senses. My attempts were disturbing, extremely unflattering and frankly, sad. I pulled a hamstring and worked up quite a sweat. Also, my son walked in when I was practicing and said, "Mum?!?! WHAT are you doing? You look like Roger!" FYI Roger is our horny dog who tries to hump his wife (our petite fawn coloured Chihuahua) every chance he gets. 

For the sake of my children and anyone with eyes, I decided not to share. You're welcome. 

Related: High School Students Suspended for Twerking