Kelly Flannigan Bos: The Relationship Rescuer


Why You May Not Be Having Sex After Baby

And How You Can Easily Fix It

too tired for sex

The scene is set, a brunch, four fabulous women, witty banter, peels of laughter, and lets even make it a good hair day for all. The wardrobe, slightly less glam and has a tad more spit up down the front. The dialogue... Potty training, pre-school choices, a lego piece up the nose, and sleep deprivation.

Not a whisper of sex.

Sound familiar? Is your life resembling an episode of “______ in the City?”

Get Checked out
The pre-baby body is not necessarily the same as the post-baby body. It is important that if sexual interest is low or if sex is painful, that you talk to someone about this. Dr. Kim Foster states that painful intercourse can be caused by a variety of medical conditions, such as: scar tissue from a difficult delivery, dryness due to a hormonal deficiency, or vaginal muscle spasm. There are treatment options for all these conditions. Also, low (or absent) sex drive is a very common problem for women, especially post-partum, and although it often improves naturally, a persistently low libido may be caused by an underlying condition like thyroid hormone imbalance.

Coitus Interruptus
How many times have you tried to give yourself a few minutes of obstacle, the shut door, a pile of laundry anything you can do to buy you a few extra seconds to cover up the act if invaded.  Or all is well, the house is quiet, the mood is finally set, so you inevitably hear.... MOM! I need a drink of water. It's like clockwork. Although a definite mood interrupter, with slightly lowered expectations, one can have a laugh and try try again.  Leisurely sex is fun, but perhaps a luxury not afforded to those in the child rearing years. Getting the quantity in can perhaps make up for quality when time is elusive.

Best Laid Plans
Maybe spontaneity was the spark that fuelled the pre-baby years, it doesn't mean that a little planning will take all the fun out of it. Plan and prepare for sex. Remember sex is restorative  in a relationship and sometimes needs to be prioritized. When time is an issue, scheduling, although seemingly unromantic might be the only way to make “it” happen. Have fun with the schedule by occasionally making this notation in the diary a package deal of babysitter, restaurant and hotel reservations!

Eyes Wide Open
Intimacy and novelty rarely share a bed. As first time seeing you naked becomes the millionth time, new sources of novelty must be, pardon the pun, uncovered.  Role play, taking turns initiating, trying new positions can all add something new to the bedroom routine. And for even more satisfying results one can look at increasing the intimacy rather than chasing the illusory first high. Sex and relationship therapist Dr. David Schnarch, in his book “The Passionate Marriage” suggests techniques for increasing intimacy which include hugging 'til relaxed, eyes open sex, and eyes open orgasm. Schnarch asserts that many people try to tune out their partner to achieve orgasm because they are staving off the discomfort of intimacy. So lock eyes and challenge yourself to stay present and connected.