About two years into becoming a mother of two (and about five years into not sleeping), something in me must have snapped. I began watching myself, the same way you would a stranger, as I behaved in a way that was completely unnatural for me. I didn’t recognize nor like the uptight persona I was observing. With her clenched teeth, impatient hissing, occasionally raised voice, and distorted anger grimaces, she reminded me of that parent who behaves like they took a wrong turn somewhere and landed on parenting.
Let's start with the bottom line just so there's no misunderstanding.
Caitlyn Jenner.
Woman? Absolutely. Of the year? Not so much.
Although it won't be officially announced until November 3rd, online media is reporting that Glamour Magazine will be honouring Caitlyn Jenner with its Woman of the Year award - a choice that sends many an eyebrow aloft. And not just for the wrong reasons.
Once you have children there’s a good chance that things you will never be fully emotionally prepared to deal with will happen to you.
Like camping.
With only a couple of weeks left until the end of the summer (I know. Messenger, remember?), it's important to discuss some of the summer season's disturbing rituals.
I may not have read US Weekly in a while but I do ride public and peruse their monitors, which is why I know about the Ariana Grande doughnut licking and America bashing scandal and I am here to muse about this with you.
You may have already heard the story about Charlize Theron being wrongfully accused of mistreating her son, Jackson, while the family was out on a hike. How exactly did it go down? Here’s a short summary.
Everyone, including my 6 year-old, knows that there’s nothing worse than TV-induced real life disruptions. Like any normal six year-old (???) my son recently initiated a conversation with me about death and my own mortality. At one point he wondered “do you know what would really really break my heart?”
“Yes.” I solemnly responded. “Somebody you care about dying.”
“No. The TV splitting into two pieces.” Pause. “That AND somebody dying.” he added for good measures.
The hashtag #HowToSpotAFeminist was trending on Twitter and a real Think Outside The Boxtravaganza ensued with suggestions like “hairy armpits,” “patchouli smell,” “shrieking,” and “delusion.” I read them and find myself wondering whether rehab for misanthropes is a thing and how much it might cost.
A few years ago I miscarried while attempting to conceive my second child. My firstborn was conceived through IUI on our first attempt, programming me to believe that although it probably won't happen naturally, we won't have much difficulty providing our child with a sibling once we decided we were ready. Instead, my second-born was finally conceived after one year of fertility treatments and five failed IUI attempts, the last one ending in a miscarriage.
When I think of my two babies and their behaviors and physical attributes, there are so many adjectives that come to mind: mischievous, hilarious, touching, clumsy, graceful, bright, enraging, fulfilling, vulnerable, exhausting, inquisitive, and loving are but a few. Notice how I didn’t say “synthetic”? There is nothing synthetic about my children or the way they make me - or anyone else around them, for that matter - feel. My children, your children, everyone’s children are for real. Kids are, in fact, the definition of “for realness.”
I have a confession to make. I haven’t been to the movies in about five years and three hundred days, which roughly coincides with the time I’ve stopped sleeping, which correlates with the time I started having kids. Not being invited to the premiere of the new Disney movie, Cinderella, is the least valid of my hypothetical reasons for not attending: a. No time b. Probably ends late c. Would rather sleep.
Being the designated grownup in your family can come with a surprising array of responsibilities ranging from explaining the origins of the world and rationale behind death (while making the latter more palatable) to having ALL the answers to EVERYTHING else (preferably around bedtime) and to other easier peasier tasks like finding and maintaining a job.
