When I think of my two babies and their behaviors and physical attributes, there are so many adjectives that come to mind: mischievous, hilarious, touching, clumsy, graceful, bright, enraging, fulfilling, vulnerable, exhausting, inquisitive, and loving are but a few. Notice how I didn’t say “synthetic”? There is nothing synthetic about my children or the way they make me - or anyone else around them, for that matter - feel. My children, your children, everyone’s children are for real. Kids are, in fact, the definition of “for realness.”
I remember talking to a friend overseas while I was on maternity leave with my first-born. It was a short while after giving birth and I was trying to describe to my friend, a young single guy, the amorphous, still very new and undefined feelings that came with the territory of having a baby. I remember trying to relay in words the incredibly fulfilling sense of realness I used to draw from running my hand over the smooth hard surfaces which constitute a newborn baby. I remember telling Jordan about the sense of marvel that I was overcome with whenever I brushed upon my son’s elbow or knee and on some unconscious level proved to myself by doing so that this magic is real. Kind of like pinching yourself.
Both my sons, 2 and 5, were conceived through IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and yes, of course, I would prefer to have them naturally but when it comes to life, our preferences are often irrelevant. When I look at my boys, it’s never through the prism of the way they were conceived. Doing so, in my opinion, would be the equivalent of making predictions or judgements regarding your marriage based on your wedding ceremony. Who does that?
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Well, look no further. The borders of ignorance were just expanded to accommodate the people out there judging my children based on their parents incapability of conceiving naturally.
You may have heard of the feud between Elton John and Dolce & Gabbana fuelled by the remarks the designers made regarding babies conceived through IVF and referring to them as “synthetic”:
"You are born to a mother and a father — or at least that’s how it should be," said Dolce. "I call children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteri [for] rent, semen chosen from a catalog."
Yes, I realize that the ignorant comment wasn’t necessarily targeting my family. We were collateral damage in an anti-gay adoption rhetoric. All the worse. Consider this my rebuttal against ignorant views, wherever they are found.
Children born through IUI and IVF are born from love enhanced with determination. They are often born “despite,” not just “because” or “just because.” They are conceived through perseverance and their mothers birth them in utterly non-synthetic ways and harbour non-synthetic feels - both physical and emotional. I promise you, even if those mothers are “uteri for rent.” And then the babies emerge to this world and they may join a “traditional” or “non-traditional” family and soon enough, before their parents can say “Dolce & Gabbana” these children will be talking and thinking and questioning everything around them and they will ask with eyes wide open, ready to absorb every morsel of information, how is it that they came to be. How are they here in this world, and their parents will sit down and have a very real family (traditional or non traditional) meeting and debate which version to discuss and once they’ve reached a decision to tell the whole story they will pray that no other child ever uses this information to belittle their own and make them feel like anything less than the utter wonder and endless discovery they are to their parents, and those parents may never suspect that it might be an adult who fires off the weapon of ignorance.
Dear Dolce & Gabbana,
Children are anything but synthetic, regardless of how they were conceived or the family that chose to have them and love them. If it’s “good, traditional” family values that you are standing up for and set out to protect then consider this, I know no good and worthy family that disrespects its children and by referring to them as “synthetic” you’ve done just that.
I have a confession to make. I haven’t been to the movies in about five years and three hundred days, which roughly coincides with the time I’ve stopped sleeping, which correlates with the time I started having kids. Not being invited to the premiere of the new Disney movie, Cinderella, is the least valid of my hypothetical reasons for not attending: a. No time b. Probably ends late c. Would rather sleep.
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I will tell you this, though: just because I’m a mother, doesn’t mean I don’t have eyes or one minute and thirty four seconds to spare, so I treated myself to a Cinderella trailer viewing party and discovered that I also have opinions which, as it turns out, span Cinderella and the way she is making women like me who don’t enlist the help of farm animals with their house chores look. With slight aversion to her overly cheerful approach to dish washing I set out to check the transformation of Cinderella’s character over the years or lack thereof.
In the original 1950s trailer Cinderella happily skips as she makes her bed. Despite what the name of the movie suggests, the trailer actually has very little to do with Cinderella and is mostly dedicated to Mr. Walt Disney himself. There is a single reference to Cinderella when the choir sings with great pathos “Cinderella you’re as lovely as your name” thus enabling Cinderella’s evil step sisters who mockingly dubbed her, Cinder Ella.
The question which really comes to mind while watching the 1958 trailer is SPOILER MUCH (?), however as it turns out this trailer was put together by a kind Youtube Samaritan so kudos and more power to you, ma'am! In this trailer Cinderella played by Julie Andrews is “too excited to be tired” as she announces while polishing up a cup. I chase away a thought about just HOW excited she would get at my place and continue watching.
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Cinderella and the prince, a man with an uncanny resemblance to a pre tanning salon era George Hamilton do a lot of talking to each other’s backs. He tells her he doesn’t know her name but loves her. He seems like someone who will let her polish up his cups. I see potential here.
It’s 1968 and there is no trailer for this movie, so work with me here. In this particular scene Cinderella, Lesley Ann Warren, is about to be reunited with the prince yet makes what was probably described in the script as a “hysterical female decision” (or maybe a “typical hysterical female decision”) to give up the love of her life due to stained clothes and face.The fairy god mother, representing logic convinces Cinderella that THE LEAST she could do is offer the prince a drink, since he must be thirsty. THAT works. The prince doesn’t initially recognize Cinderella, what with the stains and all, yet after she offers him a drink something must ring familiar and the acting suggests the prince is having a flashback. His horse, on the other hand, is very intuitive and recognizes the significance of the moment immediately. As he does so, he tactfully moon walks out of the frame and creates some space for Cinderella and the prince to explore their relationship.
There isn’t much happening in terms of Youtube trailers until the late 90s when Ever After with Drew Barrymore “a post feminist take” on the Cinderella story is released. Post feminism is really confusing and involves a less demure Cinderella thrusting an object at the prince’s head and wearing her clothes for a dip in the river. In between she throws some yelling tantrums and a couple of "I'm the king of the world" moves. It's the 90s, dude.
While it’s encouraging to see Cinderella growing a backbone and fighting her circumstances, I don’t think that real women toss stuff at men’s heads to make their point, correct?
Are we going to find the heroine we’re looking for in the 2015 trailer?
The newest trailer certainly plants a seed of hope. Girl power in the words of the Spice Girls or female empowerment seems to be gaining pop cultural momentum in the last couple of decades and is hopefully evolving into something more than just a cute slogan. We’ve seen some of that change in approach to animated female characters in the more assertive heroines of movies such as “Brave” and even Frozen. We’ve gushed over commercials such as Always’ Run Like a Girl and Hello Flo’s Camp Gyno which talk about women differently. Most notably, perhaps, we’ve recently learned of Barbie (whose face, boobs and disproportionately long legs have launched many a feminist ships) catching on and launching Super Hero Barbie. So has the heroine of history’s most famous makeover story caught on?
I’m going to be cautiously optimistic and say that possibly, judging by the trailer. I sat all teary eyed when as at 09 seconds, Cinderella’s mother shares her parting wisdom: have courage and be kind. Hear that? Have COURAGE and be kind. Amen. Watching the trailers of Cinderella's earlier versions almost makes it appears as though her mother’s parting message might have had something to do with cheerfulness and obedience, obedient cheerfulness in the face of chores perhaps? Delusion, if you like keeping it real.
Who says courage is just for boys?
Being the designated grownup in your family can come with a surprising array of responsibilities ranging from explaining the origins of the world and rationale behind death (while making the latter more palatable) to having ALL the answers to EVERYTHING else (preferably around bedtime) and to other easier peasier tasks like finding and maintaining a job.
When my first child - now five years-old - was a thirteen month-old toddler, I went back to work for a new company and the adjustment was HARD. I’m talking get-me-out-of-here-I-want-to-drive-a-lawn-mower-for-a-living (is-that-a-thing-and-would-I-need-licence-for-that-?) type hard. After spending two years at home with my second child I was not eager to experience that overwhelming stress all over again. I was crying “Marco?” as I searched for part time work in hopes to ease my way back into the workforce but no one answered “Polo!” so once again I took on a full time contract role as a Recruiter and held my breath as I plunged in.
I Don't Want to be a Stay-at-Home Mom
On the last week of my employment, as I reflect upon the experience of returning to work as a second time mom, I want to share a few insights with you.
Being the designated grownup for quite a while comes with its own set of lessons that I was able to apply at work and one of them was:
"Fake it till you make it" IS a thing.
(Psychologically speaking, you guys.)
I guess you might – if you’re as young at heart as I am – refer to it as pulling the Ol’ George Costanza and doing the exact opposite of what comes naturally, if "naturally" is not your friend. Aware of the "This is a thing" of “fake it till you make it” I did the opposite of what I felt like doing during my period of adjustment to my new job. When I felt shy and self conscious I was the one to initiate conversation. When a task seemed insurmountable I said “Bring it on! I’ll figure it out,” and things fell into place. I’m not suggesting that you alter your authentic self or be anyone but you, but simply remember to occasionally play the angel to the self doubt devil on your shoulder. When not too long ago a colleague commented on a remark I made about staying quiet with “Quiet? You??” I knew that I maked it, as my two-year-old would say.
Remember: Going back to work for the second time may be hard but it won’t necessarily be that much hard-er than the first time around.
I remember having one of those weird conversations that only parents are capable of appreciating with a couple of friends who recently had their second child. The husband said that he thought that double the kids meant double the diapers, except somehow it didn’t. You can replace the “diapers” in this sentence with any other child-rearing-related noun (except for “sleep deprivation”) and the same principle would still apply. While being a parent might be the most meaningful, wonderful, and fulfilling thing you’ve ever done, it’s also very hard. Did becoming a mom for the second time make parenting double as hard for me? I wouldn’t say so.
You may have spent a significant amount of time auto-suggesting that you haven’t become obsolete during your extended period of absence from work, an activity which undoubtedly led to you convincing yourself that without a shadow of a doubt you’ve totally become 100% obsolete. Let me use the most beat up cliché in the history of clichés. Ready? Say it with me: going back to work is like riding a bike! If the environment and role are right for you’ll simply feel like you took a little pause, nothing more.
Dear Mom: You're Headed Back to Work
I want to say that mommy guilt is a bitch, but she’s more of a stalker. I’ll tell you now: your kids will forgive you so save yourself the time and heartache. Forgive yourself.
If you have concerns based on your previous experience going back to work after having your first child, remember: just like your second child wasn’t a replica of your first one, this experience won’t be either.
As I prepare for the daunting task of job searching all over again I am walking into it a bit more prepared. Supported by the friendships I’ve made. Reassured by my performance. Empowered by overcoming the hurdles that weren’t really there and I was able to notice that, for the first time maybe.
What has your experience of going back to work been like?
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