Kat Inokai: Trying Times


What Infertility, Foresight and Hope Mean to Me

Blurry Epiphanies & Graphic Revelations

A couple of days before my D&C I headed over to Home Sense, to lose myself in some holiday décor shopping. I got some festive ornaments, throw pillows, and these awesome 2’ x 4’ typographic canvases that pack a lovely graphic punch to our living room wall. Because we all know nothing says Christmas like random pop art. Especially when it’s on sale.

I knew I had thrown myself into a bit of a retail therapy mania, but it was nice to stop thinking about my situation, look around at the transformed living room, see my family ooh and ahh with happiness, and to know that I was still capable of bringing joy to people despite my recent chain of bad news events.

The next day at the hospital, I saw things quite differently. Far from the anxiety I had battled every other visit, I felt peacefully resigned to not knowing what would happen next. As I sat without wearing glasses or contacts waiting outside OR 19 for my surgery, I suddenly stopped squinting and the world took on a velvet quality. Even the ugly, sterile hospital environment seemed to soften and the ‘migraine neon’ became a lovely hazy glow.

“Wow. I should do this more often. I can’t see everything, but I don’t need to..it’s very relaxing and enjoyable to just ‘be’ here.”


It was the moment where the penny dropped. The carp jumped from the water. The cherry blossom wavered in the breeze.

“Oh. So maybe I don’t have to know everything. Maybe, I don’t need to be a step ahead. Maybe I can stop scrutinizing my past for clues to the future, or bracing myself for the next ‘what if.’ This is heavy. I think I am actually relaxing my eyes like Rodney Yee says in that yoga DVD! Wow. Maybe this is why they say ‘blind faith.’ Or at least -4.25 faith...wait a minute. What was that singer’s name? I’m pretty sure it was Faith...Faith Evans? That’s it…’I never knew a loooooove, a love like this before..ooOOoooo’...”

Not exactly the mind of a Zen master, but I looked around with renewed sight.

I realized that when blurry people walked towards me I wasn’t frightened even though I didn’t know who they were. I realized I could still smile at the faces of those that I couldn’t see properly. I didn’t have to see perfectly to put my hand in someone else’s and trust them so they could lead me for a time. I didn’t have to always know where I was going and what was going to happen, but I could still be happy.

Holy crap. That was deep.

Much later after we got home from the procedure, I sat down in our silent living room eager to recreate that moment of transcendental wisdom. It was like I was sitting in the middle of a Monet; my own blurry little holographic universe. Who would have thought that taking your glasses off could be such a profound experience? Why hadn’t I thought to do this before? What was I so scared of missing out on if I couldn’t see anything and everything, literally and figuratively?

I breathed deeply, closed my eyes, and let my mind drift into a casual meditation about seeing, perception, control, and knowing what’s ahead. Ok, and the Smashing Pumpkins. I don’t know—they just got in there.

After a while, I opened my eyes, put my glasses back on, and found myself staring at the graphic canvases I had just bought a couple of days before.

How the heck had I missed this? They weren’t just random typographic designs.

One canvas said ‘Keep Calm And Carry On.'

The other said: “Seeing within changes one’s outer visions.”

Ha. Talk about messages from the universe. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t notice until I gave myself the time to really focus on me.

Dong. (You heard that this time too, right?)

Hope, faith, messages from the universe, magic, sheer coincidence. Whatever you want to call it, it’s all around us if we just take the time to un-see what we think we know so well.

No matter what lies ahead and no matter how scary the unknown is, try and remind yourself that you don’t have to know anything other than where and who you are right now.

And even when you don’t know what you’re looking for, just believe that it’s probably right in front of you the whole time, waiting to be discovered. Or on sale at Home Sense.

I hope you and your families have a lovely and special holiday together.

Stay positive,

xo Kat