Family planning, fertility issues, and miscarriage blow a hole in your life. The stress can leave you asking "How do I get over this loss?” or “When will I start feeling better?” and you will not know the answer. That is, until you find the elusive reset button.
My reset button, it turns out, involves having a baby with an ex-boyfriend. Wait. What?
Ok. Not a real baby—a creative project. A film, actually. And Dave has proven himself one of my best friends over the last decade, so I can’t really even call him an ‘ex’ fairly. Also, my husband is completely aware and totally supportive of all of this strange creative surrogacy so it’s not really as scandalous as it sounds.
Still. I have finally found something that I can grow, nurture, and produce over the next year or so, and I couldn’t be happier that I don’t actually have to pass it through my vagina after the fact. That would just be awkward.
A few months ago Dave sent me a script that he had written and when I read through it for the first time, something awesome happened. I ‘saw’ it. I got a tingle in my gut and a bit of a thrill raced down my spine. My eyes seemed to glow from a kind of fresh, creative zap that I haven’t felt in years.
You know when you were younger and you had your heart broken, and you’d be pining away in melancholy over the guy and then KABOOM you meet your next love interest and immediately replace your old guy feelings with new guy feelings? That’s exactly what I experienced—that and a brief flicker of regret that as a species we humans are so damn fickle. But after that teeny stab of guilt, I was consumed by relaxed happiness. There is nothing more amazing than breathing deep and surrendering when you finally find something you want.
For the first time since the miscarriages, the words ‘my baby’ popped into my head. I welcomed them back into my vernacular with a sigh of relief—for a while there I wasn’t sure I could ever think them again without feeling my throat constrict and hot tears well up.
My baby. This was my new baby. ‘I am going to do this.’ Now I’m pretty sure that my therapist might hint at ‘transference’ here, but I have lots of sessions to explore that I’m sure. In that moment I felt the same, easy, solid, immediate conviction as I did when I gave up eating sushi, blue cheese, coffee and booze during each pregnancy. Now I just had to tell Dave that he was going to be a baby daddy, and somehow explain to Dan that I was going to be producing a film in all my spare time. Ha.
You know when you pee on a stick a couple times to make sure it’s positive? Before I talked to Dave about it, I figured I’d read the script again. The ‘zing’ was still there: positive. Maybe I’d send it to 2 of my friends who were super active in the industry just to see what they thought. They loved it: positive. I had an executive producer by the end of the next call: positive. Ok. I was definitely pregnant with this project.
When I finally told everyone the news I was nervous. I realized that I’d tightly closed my eyes when I was telling Hubs like I was bracing myself for some form of disapproval, but all I have had is support, encouragement, and happiness that I’ve found my next step.
In a funny twist of fate, my next step is called Ten Thousand Steps. It's a smart short film and it's already coming together beautifully. It’s still too early to tell whether it’s a boy or a girl, but one thing’s for sure. I know it’s going to be amazing.
Positivity is all around us.