Contrary to popular belief, hitting rock bottom is not accompanied by a film noir soundtrack. There is no montage of mug shots and scandalous articles fresh off the press. There is no Biography special that tours the squalor of a Vegas motel room littered with empty whisky bottles, drug paraphernalia, and interviews with a prostitute named Trixie.
Hitting rock bottom is simply what happens when the façade stops. It’s burnout. I know, because it’s taken me a month to start coming back from the metaphoric motel room (sorry Trix), stay vulnerable, and finally learn about myself instead of constructing a ‘self’ that I think will make everyone happy.
When I was a kid I used to love going for car rides. I didn’t need to go any one place in particular, I was content to just feel the hum of the seat in the back of our old Buick. The longer we were on the road, the better. I loved looking out the window, seeing all the different people, letting the blur of the houses tell me a story.
The only part I didn’t like was when, inevitably, the car would slow as we neared our destination. My stomach would start its anxious lurch, for a moment not certain of what would happen when we had to get out. And when the engine finally whispered to a stop I would feel a terrible sadness. A strange, and all consuming moment of inertia that at once petrified me and sent me spiraling into wistfulness… If only the car would start moving again. If only we could be on our way somewhere again.
Getting out of the car into the stillness of wherever we were, I would become a different child. Quiet. Withdrawn. I would eventually open up, shyly answer questions when they were asked of me, amuse myself by making up games like tracing shapes in the carpet while my parents and their friends sat sipping their coffees.
The relief I felt when I'd hear my mom say ‘We’d best be going...’ was unparalleled.
And it wasn’t the fact that I was going home that brought the flutter to my chest, it was knowing that we were going to get back in that car and be moving once again.
I’m still like that.
I’ve always loved the journey. But there’s a kind of dissatisfaction that I live with that makes me bolt really easily. I like to outrun my feelings instead of arrive at them— watch the blur of people and faces around me until I’m numb. I take on so many projects that I simply don’t have time for feelings. I entrench myself in work, in motherhood, in fun, and plaster on the biggest, prettiest smile you’ve ever seen.
The best part is that I consciously confuse the running away part as part of the journey itself. Yep. I’m good.
I’ve got this down to a science.
And I’m really, really, tired of it.
How do you know if your toddler is stressed, and how do you deal with it? I have been trying to figure this out myself. Actually, I have been totally stressing over it.
I’m in the middle of separating from my husband.
I have a toddler—a bright, beautiful, 2.5 year old—who loves her dad, loves her mom and, unsurprisingly, has none of the vocabulary necessary to express her feelings with regard to separation. Considering the fact that Hubs and I barely have the right vernacular either, why are we even surprised? But there it is...
I’m super lucky. We’re working through things amicably, but even then there are moments of stress, times when our silence speaks louder than any argument.
We both watch Baby Girl like a hawk, cross-referencing with each other, trying to keep our issues off her radar.
We make sure that we have family time, even if we’re not together anymore. We have a family dinner night. We have a ‘day at the office’ each week. We are never unkind, never mean to each other. It doesn’t matter.
Our Baby Girl knows something is up.
Her bedtime has migrated from 7pm to at times, almost 9:30pm. Ok who am I kidding. By the time she finishes crying sometimes, it’s 11pm.
She has stopped being outgoing on the playground or in social situations.
Her appetite has dropped.
She is ‘mommyish’ and ‘daddyish’ — she takes turns picking favourites.
She wakes up multiple times a night, asking for warm milk—something she only used to do at 14 months.
She tests boundaries, she says her tummy hurts, she doesn’t listen.
But at the same time, she’s only two years old.
I mean, am I reading way into things? Isn’t a lot of this typical toddler behavior?
Yes.
And no.
I mean, every toddler is under stress. I’m not an expert by the way, I’m fully assuming this, but toddlers are like mini-revolutionaries bursting at the seams...right?
They are exercising their newfound bipedal independence. They can finally say NO with gusto. They can ask questions like ‘why’ and blatantly do the opposite of what you have asked them a gazillion times. So what the heck are you supposed to watch for if you and your spouse are in a stressful event in your lives? What’s an anomaly and what’s par for the course?
I still have no idea.
Here’s a massive comfort though. Even if you’re not sure what’s normal and what’s an indication that you’re baby is stressing, you can still be proactive.
Here are three things you can actively do with your toddler alone and as a team with your partner, even if you’re going through something as life-altering as a separation or divorce.
Self-expression is key to recognizing and managing stress. Even toddlers can find ways to relieve stress—through play therapy, dress-up, crafts, dancing, and more. You and your partner can help toddlers as young as two or three to express their needs, beliefs, and feelings.
Bonus? Display your children’s work or photos of their creative adventures on a feature wall. This will not only acknowledge their accomplishments, but also help validate their feelings.
Physical activity is great way for your toddlers to manage stress no matter how old they are, and no matter what their skill level is. By encouraging them to play sports, swim, dance, run around, or play; you are encouraging them to channel their stress into an activity that might make them feel excited, happy, accomplished, and refreshed. Even better? If you get active with them.
Make time for your children together with your spouse, or alone. If you’re not sure what’s right for your situation, contact a couples’ therapist or speak to your mediator or legal advisor. Setting aside time to enjoy a family day, reading a book together, volunteering, or just hanging out, hugging, and connecting can be a huge stress-relief for your toddler. It reaffirms closeness and security, encourages personal development, and creates opportunities for communication that can help alleviate stress and encourage openness.
In any case, be attentive and seek professional help if:
Stress is interfering in your child’s life, stopping him from doing the things that are important
Your child is constantly seeking reassurance—even for tasks and skills that he or she already has demonstrated confidence in
You feel that your child is not coping well with daily stressors
For more tips about how parents can deal with stress and their kids? Check this awesome guide out.
The most important thing? Breathe.
And Stay Positive.
Xox Kat
This is proudly sponsored by our friends at Pfizer Canada.
Created by the Psychology Foundation of Canada in collaboration with Pfizer Canada, Stress Lessons is a free resource designed to help you teach children how to manage stress today, and for the rest of their lives.
www.morethanmedication.ca/en/stress_lessons
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