If you have ever brought home a retail prize before your period only to think “Oh MY GOD. What the HELL was I on when I thought this was ok to purchase?!” when the hormone fog clears, then this article is for you and your monthly sonic boom of estrogen.
Think of it as another kind of Caveat Emptor for women alone. Women who during their weepiest, chocolate-eating-ist times would do well to remember that only buyer’s remorse and retail suffering awaits those who dare to go..
SHOPPING WHILE HORMONAL (part 1)
Here are my confessions—may they be a lesson to you all.
1. Too Much Leopard Print
Oh it seems innocent enough. You’re PMS-y and the soft faux fur appeals to you. ‘What a great throw..’ you think innocently, and the click of the ‘buy’ button echoes through your conscience. ‘And that pillow isn’t too matchy-matchy..’
Patterns are fine ladies, but for the love of Muppets, please do not buy too much at one time. Otherwise you will wake up feeling like you had a one-night stand with Quagmire or that you are re-enacting Clan of the Cave Bear.
2. Hooker Shoes
There’s nothing else to call them. Seriously. I made the mistake of signing up for Shoedazzle. For those of you who don’t know, imagine if Columbia House Records was run by the Kardashians and the magic word was pleather. That’s all you have to know.
Now to be fair they do have some great deals. But my cycle is synched up to each new monthly showroom. The results have been disastrous. How do I put this?
I can’t even give these shoes away to charity, because I’m afraid that someone is going to start a hooker-in–training camp and use my shoes as educational platforms. Pun intended.
Note: Shop your own closet from ovulation to day 1 of your cycle. And for Sonya Bata’s sake, make sure that if you do buy a pair of shoes you could wear them to a school/playground/client meeting without teetering, glittering, wobbling, or click-clacking like a tawdry harlot — as fun as those words are to drag out on a Saturday night. While watching a drag queen competition.
3. ‘I have a Jedi Stylist’ Syndrome
The flipside of hooker shoes is, of course, my need to layer like a freaking Star Wars extra.
Now ordinarily I like the practical and fashion appeal of layering, but too often when my hormones spike I fall prey to buying far too many tunic-y type things and cargo-jeggings. You might think they’re practical and look great. And maybe they do. But trust me, you only need so many tunics and drapey shirts before you start looking like you’ve raided Aunt Beru’s closet. Or Beatrice Arthur’s Golden Girls wardrobe.
Or worse, Beatrice Arthur in the 1977 Star Wars Christmas Special. Shudder
Remember: If you’ve just ovulated and Dorothy Zbornak/Jedi fashion starts to look hot, call upon Webster’s magic words: Say NO. Then GO. And TELL someone who will cut up your credit cards.