My marriage ending has taught me what I need, what I want, and what I don’t want.
One day I sat feeling terribly devastated about everything that had happened and decided it was time to pour those volatile, sticky thoughts into words.
I was a little shocked when — instead of the explosive ranting that I anticipated — what came out was something I would have been thrilled to say as a bride on her wedding day.
As a writer I felt that peculiar kind of joy over being able to give a voice to what I previously thought was intensely abstract emotion. As a newly single woman however, I felt overwhelmed, flooded with sadness, and more alone than ever.
What irony, I thought, that as my marriage dissolved, I could finally and seemingly effortlessly write my own vows. And that’s exactly what I’d done.
I blindly saved the words to an obscure folder on my desktop and ignored it.
From time to time I'd be drawn to the file and open it. Read it. See if it still made my heart cramp up.
I’d wonder why I’d written it. I wondered for whom.
It was only recently that I started reading it every day.
And it was only recently that I realized I had written it for myself.
I don’t want to grow old with you.
I want to stay young with you forever.
I don’t want to get my head out of the clouds.
I want to fly to the greatest heights together.
I don’t want us to be anything more than who we are.
I want us to breathe peacefully in our own silence; smile in the wake of our actions.
I don’t want to hide myself from you.
I want you to know my past, my dreams; accept my every fault, my every gift.
I don’t want you to change one thing about yourself.
I want you to feel, do, say, and be who you need to be on your path.
I don’t want to bottle emotions and stutter around our feelings.
I want to speak in the raw language of you and I and know in every cell that you understand me.
I don’t want to be the same person 5 years from now; 10 years from now.
I want us to grow into who we are meant to be; introduce ourselves again and again.
Fall in love with our own spark through different eyes.
I don’t want to go quietly or ever let you walk away.
I want to fight, to keep believing, and take the space we need until we can love each other again.
I don't want to miss you anymore.
I want to take a risk, pull you close, and spend as much time with you as I can on this Earth.
And I want that time to start right now.