In the last couple months I’ve actually had my friends and mentors start to try and intervene between me and the sweet comfort of my funk. They didn't just notice that something was off, by the way. ‘Noticing,’ is when some subtle detail makes you skew your head to one side and say ‘hmmm.’ I’m talking intervention. Like flat out:
“Kat, you are doing way too much and it’s showing…you’re slipping up...”
Or
“Stop focusing on other people. Look at you. What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Or
“Stop saying you’re ok because you’re not. You’re just not.”
Oh for the love of...Leave me alone! In my minds eye I slam my foot onto the gas pedal and floor it. I don’t want to be around these truths right now. I am fine. Just fine. I don’t want to think about loss and grief and relationships and confrontation. I just want to zoom to the next interval of happiness and ease.
And then for a few seconds I know they’re right. I’m not ok. This is an act. The quiet realization seems to be some kind of oppressive force field. I feel frozen. I can’t cry yet, but I also can’t answer any more emails, or post any more chipper updates in whatever social media platform I’m convinced will make me sound more ‘Kat-the-ninja-who-has-it-all-figured-out.’ I’m paralyzed and speechless and I don’t know what to do next. And it’s because I’m paralyzed and speechless instead of effervescent and cocksure, that I tell myself that no one will like ‘this Kat.’ I tell myself that in order to be liked, Kat has to be sweet, organized, happy, selfless, pretty, and perfect. There should be no drama, no mess, and certainly no sticky conflict in this popularity equation. And I can’t be that perfect Kat unless I run away again.
I can feel my heart revving up in anxiety.
In my mind's eye I desperately slam my foot hard on to the gas again but nothing happens. Nothing.
For once, Kat the YMC blogger doesn’t have an answer. Kat the Film Set Mummy doesn’t either. The mom, the ex-wife, the daughter, the sister, the friend, the business woman, the producer, the networking fiend.. I’m all out.
Empty tank.
I’m finally forced to examine my life as a whole, sit with my feelings, and learn.
And I am freaking petrified.
Starting over at 35. All over again.
Slow, small steps, one day at a time. One blog post at a time. One client at a time.
I’m doing what I think is right for my daughter and myself, and knowing it won’t make everyone happy.
I’m accepting that not everyone is going to like me.
I’m asking for help when I need it — which terrifies me.
I’m allowing myself to be happy, and not judging myself in the process.
I’m living in the moment. Enjoying the stillness for once. No matter what it brings. And believe me it's amazing what you realize is right in front of you when you just stop moving for a minute.
And I’m trying new things and learning about myself through every interaction, whatever it makes me feel.
I guess that’s just one more reason why this is called ‘Trying Times.’
I’m also not alone as I try and navigate through all of this. I know that.
And neither are you.
My coach Jeffrey Eisen gave me this amazing meditation and I want to pass it along. It's amazing.
Stay positive… and vulnerable…and authentic.
Growth is good.
XO Kat
Printer-friendly version