After a winter of being a total sloth that concluded with too much Easter goodness, I planned to begin the week (and spring, if it would ever get here) with a cleanse. The plan was simple: follow the recommendations of the product I had chosen to support my cleanse, lose the bloated feeling and at least 5 lbs, and brag to everybody that I had just done a cleanse!
The cleanse I had chosen to do dictated that I spend the first three days drinking nothing but these protein/probiotic shakes plus as much vegetable broth and water I wanted. Days 4-7 incorporated one low-carb meal, and the second week meant only drinking the shakes for breakfast. Easy peasy, right?
Of course, this is not how things went down. A short timeline of
Karen’s First Cleanse
Pre-day 1:
- Go out for all-you-can-eat sushi. What? It’s been a long long-weekend, and I didn’t want to cook. Plus, duh — cleanse the next day. I had to replenish my store of spicy dynamite roll memories.
- Feel ill from all the sushi. Rally to prepare the next day’s vegetable broth.
- Realize I do not have carrots, cauliflower, parsnips, or any other vegetable suitable for soup, really. Prepare onion broth.
- Go to sleep feeling pumped and ready for my cleanse.
Day 1:
8am
- Wake up feeling great. Weigh self. Scowl.
- Prepare first shake. Damn, the powder won’t really dissolve and the floaty bits won’t stop floating. Stir. And stir. And stir. And stir.
- Taste.
- Retch.
- Add cinnamon (permitted) and vanilla extract (permitted) and maple syrup (prohibited).
- Taste.
- Better, but still chalk-dusty, like when a lump of flour does not get incorporated into the muffin batter.
- Drink. Feel invincible.
10am
- Pour broth into thermos and head out with five-year-old to mother-daughter cooking class.
- Today’s theme is Dairy. That’s ok, I think as I pat my trusty thermos, I don’t much like dairy.
- We are tasting cheese. I don’t much like cheese.
- Except goat’s milk cheese. Yum. Pass.
- And Brie. Deep breath. Pass
- Pass on the chocolate soy milk.
- And the make-your-own quesadillas.
- And the make-your-own smoothies.
- Sip my onion broth with a smile as the smell of quesadillas assaults my cleansing nostrils.
- Swear that the guac and salsa are mocking me.
- Get out of there asap. Say no to bringing home the extras.
2pm
- Oh god, I’m hungry.
2:15pm
- More bloody broth.
2:30pm
- Watch TV to distract myself. Only things on are The Chew, Cooking with Julia, Lydia’s Italy in America and America’s Test Kitchen.
- Cry a cry that can’t be heard over the rumble of my tummy.
- More disgusting onion broth.
- Head to the internet for a better distraction.
- Wonder why EVERYBODY IS POSTING ABOUT FOOD TODAY.
3pm
- Get older child from school. She is hungry.
- Spend 45 minutes preparing one snack after another for my ravished children.
- Start to wonder why I am suffering this way.
- Begin to ponder the notion of suffering and the oppression of a society that would make me think I have to suffer to become acceptable via weight loss.
- Think about the Jews that wandered the desert. They would not want me to suffer.
4pm
- Eat a banana. Healthy!
- No longer feel like I want to die.
4:30pm
- Eat a vegan protein bite. Healthy!
- No longer feel like I want to suffer for an oppressive society.
6:30pm
- Prepare a healthy, low-carb meal. Decide that clean, healthy eating is the way to go. No more cleanse! But this I can do! Healthy, low-carb eating I can do!
7pm
- Eat the last of the homemade pudding sitting at the back of the fridge.
10pm
- Get ready for bed early as a good night’s sleep + healthy, clean eating is as good as a stupid cleanse.
- Chatter to husband about why I have chosen not to continue the oppressive, misogynistic cleanse.
- Husband marvels at my sense of socio-political justice and my stellar will-power. He wonders if I had thought about what privilege is and about the fact that I could not go even one afternoon feeling the pang of hunger.
- Decide that I would rather read than chatter to husband.
12:30am
- Finally turn off the light and go to sleep.
Day 2:
- Eat a bagel and cream cheese from Tim Horton’s. Cleanse officially over!
Anybody want to buy a can of protein shake mix?
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