I was one of those kids who carried for my dolls around like they were real babies. I pictured motherhood from an early age: from pregnancy, to dressing my babies in adorable outfits, to what kind of crafts I would enjoy with them each day once they grew a little older.
My vision of motherhood never included the hard stuff. Sure, I knew that my kids would fall and scrape their knees, or there would be times when I would have to problem solve a behavioral problem. But never in my wildest dreams did I picture the truly dark moments that no one can prepare you for until you you’re living your own motherhood.
Those moments that are so stressful, you feel like you might shatter into a million pieces. Those endless nights when you are living on next to no sleep, and you start to realize that you are losing touch with reality, and stringing a sentence together is almost impossible.
Now, almost seven years into motherhood, I can look back and vividly recall three incidents that literally brought me to the brink; moments that truly tested my physical, emotional, and mental strength. But they have now defined me as a warrior mom.
The first was when I was eight-months-pregnant with my second child, and my 18 month-old son, for lack of a better word, hated life.
I was broken, my nerves were raw, and I was in a full-on panic about the idea that another baby was on the way. I finally decided to give into the thought that I was losing my mind and have my husband drop me off at a hospital.
That was a dark moment of motherhood.
Three sympathetic and kind nurses, who were also seasoned moms, had a heart-to-heart chat with me and talked me off the ledge. They gave me some great advice including getting help, and let me know that what I was going through was very common.
I walked away from the hospital that day knowing I wasn’t alone.
The second moment was when my son was three and my daughter was one. I had just finished bath time and was supposed to put my kids to bed. But something in me snapped.
After three years of trying to play the stay-at-home-mom role which I had so badly wanted for so long, I realized it wasn't the right fit for me. One day, the idea of getting my kids dressed in pajamas, reading them books, and the entirety of each step of bedtime was too much for me.
I was deep into a depression I had been fervently been in denial about.
I began pacing the halls, while my kids waited patiently in their beds. I walked, wringing my hands and keeping the scream building in my chest silent, as the minutes passed and then my husband finally walked in the door from work to relieve me.
That was a dark moment of motherhood.
But that was also the day I was able to accept that my life long dream of being a stay-at-home mom wasn’t the right fit for me. I let go of the guilt and feelings that I had failed and made the decision about changing my path.
The third was when I was four weeks postpartum with my twins. I spent the better half of the previous week in and out of emergency rooms, trying to find an answer for their chronic diarrhea and enduring their constant crying. I sat in my car sobbing after yet another visit, while my mother consoled me, and my husband had to work late hours at his job.
I was exhausted, and losing touch with reality. I felt helpless.
That was a dark moment of motherhood.
But I was determined to not give up or take some of the unsubstantiated guesses that I was given by doctors. I knew that something specific was making my twins sick.
My determination and persistence finally paid off when I went back in one more time and met the pediatrician that changed everything. He dug a little deeper, and soon afterwards, my girls were diagnosed with a fructose intolerance. With a change in formula, they suddenly became happy, content, healthy girls.
Looking back, comparing the reality of my motherhood to the motherhood that eight-year-old me pictured and while playing with my dolls are very different.
The thing is, I wouldn’t change a thing. Walking through the fire has transformed me into a warrior mom.
A mom who won’t take “I don’t know,” for an answer from a doctor. A mom who knows when she is nearing her breaking point, and that it is okay to change her path, and let go of the guilt. A mom that knows that she is not alone because she had the bravery to expose her vulnerability and fears to other knowing mothers.
Motherhood can be pretty dark sometimes. But know that when you walk through that fire, you are gaining one more layer of emotional armor, of empathy, of wisdom, of courage, and compassion.
You are now a warrior mom.
You can read more about my journey through motherhood on my personal blog, Nesting Story.
Photo by Sarah Martin Photography
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