I walked in the door from our 23 hour drive home from Florida. I hung my purse on a familiar hook and watched our four kids explode in to grins, and dance in relief, because they were back home, and out of our car.
As I walked around our house, something felt unwelcoming. We had been away for three weeks, so I knew it would take time to adjust. I had fresh eyes, and instead of seeing comfort and familiarity, I felt a sense of feeling scattered. I walked around and I realized that there were projects that had been left half finished in every room.
My eyes roamed from our outdated and unfinished photo-gallery wall (two out of four kids are missing), to our uncompleted master bedroom makeover. In every room there were attempts at DIY’s, de-cluttering and decorating, but I had abandoned each project before taking it across the finish line.
After my kids were fast asleep in their beds, I entered my bathroom, ready to take a much-needed shower. I decided to hop on the scale and see what kind of damage I had done while on vacation.
One pound. “Not bad,” I thought to myself. But then I started to reflect on the past year and a half, and all of the hard work I had put into losing the 70 pounds I had gained while pregnant with our twins. I was frustrated at the thought that I had almost made it to my (very realistic) goal, and then stopped ten pounds shy of it six months ago.
“Why,” I thought, “was I not able to finish so many goals I’ve set for myself?” Why don’t I finish what I’ve started, especially when the project solely benefits me?
After some reflection, I could think of three reasons why I was self-sabotaging: boredom, laziness and fear.
I had started each project with gusto and excitement. I charged ahead, filled with ideas and motivation. But once the task was typically a little more than halfway done, I left it behind and moved on the next exciting endeavor.
I am not a stranger to the notion that when something is good enough, why bother finishing it? Because I am a mom of four and this is real life, it’s not uncommon for my motivation to be derailed when illness ravages our house. Once the clouds have parted and I should be moving out of survival-mode, laziness tends to become my reward for surviving the siege.
If I am really being honest with myself, I know that fear plays a factor in me giving up, especially when it comes to my weight. There is the fear of maintaining my goal weight and there is fear of the extra amount of work it might take to get me there.
This year, I have decided that instead of taking on anything new, I will tie up loose ends. I will challenge myself to go back to each project and not only complete it, but also fully appreciate the work it required. I will purge and donate the “stuff” I have accumulated over the years that is of no use to me anymore.
As far as my weight goes, I am going to start the year by approaching it indirectly. I am going to get rid of the noise that I am surrounded in. To create a home that feels inviting and organized. My hope is that this change of thinking and atmosphere will help me get back into the right mindset when it comes to losing those last ten pounds.
This is the year that I teach myself that I deserve to complete the projects and goals that positively impact me. This is the year that I finish what I’ve started.