Some of us (I'm not naming names, DAVE) need to be brought into the Christmas spirit kicking and screaming. And we get it; it can be a shitty time of year for many reasons - frenzied shopping, mounting bills, overstimulated, sugar-fuelled kids underfoot every single minute - but once you get the little bit of holiday light kindled it burns like a garage full of varsol rags.
Here are some movies guaranteed to give you the spark, and, in worst case scenario, provide a backdrop to some cozy winter slumber.
*Not all of these movies are terrible - in fact, some are downright delightful - so I've ranked them on a scale from 1-10, 10 being a must-see, and 1 being "fake your own disappearance."
Tim Burton can do no wrong in my book, and he secures that reputation with The Nightmare Before Christmas. It's a great movie for families who enjoy their holidays with a bit of edge, like an extra shot of rum in Grandma's eggnog, you know, just to see what happens.
Rank: 9
Diane Keaton and Craig T. Nelson head up this tight-night family, the children of whom are delightfully flawed. There's a sorta sad ending, along with some drug use, heavy drinking and partner(ish) swapping, so this isn't your typical holiday movie and I keep it for the above 13 set, although a lot of the action will go right over the heads of younger ones. They'll just be bored and you need to see this movie so hold off until they're safely dreaming of sugarplums.
Rank: 1000000000 x a kabillion
I have a litmus test for friendship. If you burp (accidentally or not) and you don't immediately follow up with "Did you hear that?" I will never help you move, nor drive you to the airport.
Rank: 40 litres of maple syrup
After a divorced suburban father accidentally kills a man, he is forced to assume a new identity. His web of lies and dramatic physical transformation put his mental health at risk and his precarious grip on reality causes him to lose custody of his son.
This one hits all the holiday high notes.
Rank: 8, but then a solid 6 because Judge Reinhold wears some pretty fugly sweaters and I got a headache.
There is something about Vince Vaughn that makes me want to climb him like a tree. Here he stars as Fred Claus, Nicholas "Santa" Claus' older and less-appreciated brother. Vaughn and Giamatti make up the rivalrious siblings, and the movie handles the subject well - there is no "bad" brother vs. "good brother," and Santa himself is as flawed and wonderful as his regular (but amazingly handsome, like seriously hot fantasy fodder) brother.
Rank: Solid 7.75
It's got a strong story and a fun plot, but the animation is too creepy for me to get past the 17:12 mark. It's probably the only Tom Hanks movie I can't tolerate, because the graphics are nightmare inducing.
Rank: You tell me. I couldn't watch.
A classic. This one is not to be missed, and Ralphie's "Old Man" is one of the most under-appreciated fathers in film history. The film is sweet without being saccharine, nostalgic without being self-indulgent. It's perfect for all ages.
Rank: Red Ryder BB Guns for everybody!
Hey, wanna cry 9 times? This movie has all your holiday tears needs covered. Nine separate but entwined personal stories within a movie are what Love Actually delivers, but Christmas acts as the backdrop rather than play a starring role here. This is one for older families, unless you're into answering, "Who is that guy and what's happening now?"
Rank: 9 out of 9 out of 9
HARD PASS.
Stand down, haters. Can Charlie Brown please cheer the f*%k up, please? Unless an adjective you're looking for in a holiday film is "insufferable," skip this one.
Rank: I'd rather poke myself in the eye
Do you like the Muppets? Yes, of course you do, because you're not an asshole.
The classic Dickens Christmas tale has been remade more times than a Real Housewife's face, and, just as with the RH, it's not always a great job. This one? Perfect 10.
The Muppets lend themselves so naturally to human stories that it's often hard to tell where the strings end. This Christmas movie is now 23 years old, but it's only getting better with age. I say it's for age 5 or 6 up, because the story line is a bit involved, but the puppet characters makes it enjoyable for a younger set.
Rank: 8.3333333
I dunno. I feel like maybe I hate this movie because I don't much enjoy Schwarzenegger, but maybe it is actually a terrible movie? I'm having a hard time dividing the rational side of my brain with the "anti-Schwarzenegger" one. It's pretty commercial and materialistic, so if you're looking to avoid reinforcing the "gimme gimme" attitude that sometimes prevails this time of year, jingle all the way over to another movie.
Rank: Cyanide tablets
If you haven't seen this movie you need to close your laptop, back away from your desk, and go slam your hand in the car door as punishment for not having seen this movie yet. It's like 1000 years old, so really, you have no excuse. GO.
Not showing this movie to your kids before they are 12 is actually considered willful neglect in 10 provinces.
Rank: 10 out 10 plus one set of angel wings
Watch #1 again this year - it's pure fun and you'll enjoy pointing out what all the archaic daily items are, like VHS players and answering machines. Give the sequel a go if the cable is out, but save yourself when it comes to #3. It's basically the worst.
Rank: 9
This movie encompasses what is great about movies - strong female characters, possibilities for redemption, finding unexpected love, and a kick-ass parade. Sure, it's "old" and kids might comment on the strong colourization or old-timey speak, but ride it out. It's a holiday classic for a reason and this movie is important.
Rank: 34
Curious George makes me sad. Here's a monkey, stolen by a strange man who insists on wearing the same (yellow!?) clothing every day, forced to live an existence in a habitat he's not built for. Oh! And hey! Why not foist our religion on him, too! MAYBE GEORGE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE A CHRISTMAS.
Okay, it's a cartoon movie and perhaps I'm taking it too seriously. Go ahead and let your kids watch, you monster.
Rank: NOPE
Look, no one said having kids was going to be a cakewalk. Sometimes that means cleaning up shit (literally), and other times it means taking one for the team and watching a movie from the "Buddies" franchise. C'mon; you can do it.
Rank: 3 because cute puppies at least
Zeus is a dog who, having been left home on Christmas Eve, attempts to foil two burglars who enter his family's home. It's basically Home Alone but with dogs.
Also, this family left their "beloved pet" alone on Christmas Eve? Go ahead and rob them blind, I say.
Kids will love it; you will drink.
Rank: 6.2
I love this little show so much it's all I can do to continue taking my birth control. The only littles in my house now are two little budgies who, thank goodness, do enjoy an Elmo special now and again. Appreciate these movies now, because soon your cherubic toddlers will have armpit hair and only want "ughhhhh gift cards, I guess" for the holidays.
Excuse me now, I'm off to prepare some cider and cookies for the budgies and myself.
Rank: 7 when you have toddlers, 10 when they've grown :(
Make time for this one! It's a special movie because it appeals to so many ages, but the humour (and some swearing) will mostly go beyond a small kid's comprehension, but my kids have heard pretty much everything with me in the house so for transparency sake you should know I am not the best reference on appropriate language in movies.
Rank: Worth emptying the shitter for
If you're looking for fun holiday movie about a mild-mannered lovable alcoholic millionaire in love with Liza Minelli, you're about to be sorely disappointed.
Kids will love it, and if you're being honest, you will too.
Rank: 4 Gin & Tonics
The Grinch is not Jim Carrey's best work, and keep in mind that he is the man behind the Ace Ventura, Pet Detectives movies. Some classics aren't meant to be tampered with, and Seuss artwork doesn't lend itself to live action. They go from playful and fun to creepy as all get out. Watch the original.
Rank: 5 Fargarwigglebottoms (That's bad.)
I watched this movie and thought I was drunk because it made zero sense, except - cue horror movie foreshadowing music - I WAS SOBER. It was a while ago - I watched it on a VCR - and I remember being mad I had paid the extra .50 for tape protection because I wanted to ruin this movie and make it literally unreturnable. The thought that the movie rental store could now replace this movie and further inflict cinematic pain on others at holiday time was - and is - something I live with to this day.
Rank: -20 plus a ball punch for good measure
Jeni Marinucci is YMC's Creative Director. She has a guilty conscience, a love for humour, and a questionable home-haircut. After her children were old enough to make their own sandwiches, she returned to University to complete her B.A. in English Literature—a designation which has provided her with an extensive library and crushing student loans. When no teaching college wanted her, she had to choose between taking orders through a drive-thru window or from an editor. She chose the latter.
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