Jeni Marinucci: Panic Button Years


Men's Facial Hair: Let's Get Some Rules Established

Before You 'Mo, Here's What You Need to Know

The golden rules for rocking Movember and making the most of your facial hair.  | Fashion | Mustache |

I love Movember.

November I can do without, but Movember can last all year long as far as I’m concerned.

Last Saturday night I went out for the evening and most of the men in the bar where we went were participating in Movember in some incarnation or another. A quick scan of the bar demonstrated several of the various male facial hair growth patterns: the 1970’s porn star ‘stache, the trimmed and tidy “work hard/party harder” short beard, the dirty Jesus, and the sparse “Cut me some slack/all my hair’s on my back” wanna-be beard.

And you know what?


I asked Google to help me explore my love of all things moustached and bearded, and it turns out there’s a name for my infatuation. I will henceforth identify as a proud pogonphile. At first I got really excited because I thought the word maybe had something to do with corn dog Pogo’s, because I LOVE THOSE ALSO. You can imagine how giddy I get when the carnival comes to town, what with all those hairy Carnie pogo vendors and such.

Probably the only beard style that I don’t love is the Amish style. But I do support button-free lifestyles, enjoy biblical names, and a good barn-raising, so I could probably get past my distaste for the religious fringe.  

But I think that if you are going to participate in Movember, you should go full speed – no holding back. You’re in or you’re out. (And don’t be out.) Please; no waffling when it comes to something as important and sexy as facial hair. 

Alright Ezekiel, ready for some other rules? 

You must be at least 25 years old. Nothing is as disturbing as watching a 19-year-old kid stroking a full length beard. You earn the right to facial hair through age, just as you do other things in life. It’s simple and sequential: driving, voting, drinking, beards.  That’s called “adult math.

Keep it clean. Your facial hair is not a crumb catcher; nor is it a soup strainer. If at any time your beard or moustache resembles the back seat of my minivan, it’s game over.

You should have some hair on your head. I don’t care if you’ve only got six of them and they’re less than an 1/8 of an inch long and three are attached with scotch tape, the rule stands: no hair on your head? No hair on your face.

Points will be given for talking like a lumberjack, fisherman, or other stereotypical bearded man. Note: Extra points awarded for impersonations of the super-sexy following: Grizzly Adams, Magnum P.I., Almanzo Wilder, or Friedrich Nietzsche.

Movember cannot be used as an excuse to refrain from personal upkeep. Just because you’re not shaving doesn’t give you a free pass. You must shower, brush and floss, and – this is key, fellas – put on new underwear every day. We’re fighting cancer here, not hygiene. In fact, why not spend the extra time you have now because you’re not shaving and re-invest it? Maybe cut those toenails?  

Never mind what home decorating shows are telling you – the carpet should match the drapes. Salt and pepper is okay; dignified, even. But if you’re coming in at 100% salt, you need to wait until you have the head to match. Colouring your hair and/or beard is not an option. I absolutely guarantee that if your partner walks into the bathroom and finds you huddled over the bathtub with Miss Clairol #344 Dark Beauty all up in your face, it’s going to be a long time until you experience one of the bonuses of having that beard in the first place.

I will be sad to see Movember end, especially since most men choose to opt out of the lifestyle once December rolls around.

But there is some consolation in the otherwise cold, hairless month.

Santa Claus.

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