Is there anything better than TV? I mean good old fashioned boxy television sets, not that bullshit 6 inch screen on your iPad mini, or worse – your cracked laptop screen. Call me old school – a quasi-luddite, even – but I prefer my TV how I like my men: big, square shaped, and turned on.
Here’s some of the good (and not so good) stuff coming through the glass this week:
(Note: Get some rest – Wednesday is going to be a long night. Asterisks * indicate brand new shows, and as such, are likely doomed to failure.)
The Big Bang Theory
The gang of lovable nerds (plus Penny) return tonight and "leaked" preview footage shows a wedding scene. We left Penny and Leonard engaged last spring, but if I know television, a botched wedding ceremony is pretty much par for the course in keeping sitcom relationship tension alive.
The Price is Right
Sure, there may not have been a huge cliffhanger at season's end last year, but still we want to know: Will Drew Carey return as host, and if so, what will he look like? Besides, what else will my kids watch during our annual miss-school-for-a-week-barf-athon? Thank you Price is Right, for giving us something to vomit to since 1972.
Blindspot*
It's new. Some girl has lots of tattoos? I don't know; I hope they used a reputable parlour. I give it 10 weeks.
Celebrity Name Game *
Team #NPH all the way. Here's a celebrity name game: I named my kids after characters on The Golden Girls and The Color Purple.
The Muppets*
I SWEAR TA GAWD THEY ARE BAAAAAAAAACK. Kermit is back, you guys! But Miss Piggie is not thrilled about who he brought with him, and there is bound to be tension as we follow the crew on their new behind-the-scenes show. Warning: This incarnation of The Muppets is adult(ish) themed, so let's pray to whichever deity you serve that doesn't mean "adult" in a Frog on Pig action kind of way.
Fresh Off the Boat*
From Wiki: "The story follows the course of Eddie Huang's Taiwanese family as they make their way from Chinatown of Washington, D.C. to Orlando, Florida to open up a cowboy-themed steak restaurant in 1995."
Um, hijinks ensue?
The Middle
I love this show because nothing I've seen since Roseanne has been able to show a blue collar family as they really are: tired, overworked and underpaid, eating take out burgers on old furniture. You should watch this show even if it's just to make yourself feel better because you have a stainless steel refrigerator and enough energy left to NOT name your third child after an essential building material.
The Goldbergs
If you have kids old enough to understand general sitcom format and who think you arrived on here on Earth already 38 years-old, this is a crucial show to add to your family's weekly TV lineup. Make a fun drinking game by taking a shot every time one of your kids asks, "What's that?" when the Goldbergs use a telephone, VCR, or computer.
Black-ish
Black-ish is one of my fave shows from last season and I was glad to see it was renewed - the humour was a bit canned in the beginning, but the cast is fantastic (Anthony Anderson, Tracee Ellis Ross, Laurence Fishburn, Raven Symone...) and after a only a few episodes it had taken flight. Black-ish also has some of the funniest but most realistic kids on television.
Modern Family
Boobs. Accents. Physical comedy. Is it any wonder it's America's favourite show?
Nashville
Team #Deacon 4-ever and DON'T EVEN START with me on Luke Wheeler, who, may I remind you, sometimes acts like a bit of a dick. I have no insight as to season spoilers, but I have every confidence that the season premiere will include:
Survivor
People who don't really want to spend time together will hang out on a beach waiting for death. Saw it already; it was called "my first marriage honeymoon."
Law & Order: SVU
I think this is the terrible one about horrific sexual assault cases? Why are we watching this show? Hey, why don't we cancel this series, and if you find yourself really, truly missing the gruesome-themed content, perhaps use your cable fees money to go on a long vacation or hire a therapist.
Grey’s Anatomy
Doctors and nurses spend their awake hours treating patients at Seattle Grace Hospital. Between saving lives, they boink each other in a complicated square-dance like rotation, fall in love, and then ultimately die in horrible accidents or of incurable diseases. It's a critical hit almost every year because we love doctor shows and also boinking.
Last Man Standing
I hadn't heard of this one, and I was sure it was a new show. But, I see on Wiki that it's starting it's 5th season (?) and stars Tim Allen (??) Wasn't that show called Home Improvement? Apparently this show has him surrounded by woman - his wife and three daughters - as he tries to run his outdoor equipment store. I forsee laugh tracks and lots of thinly veiled "lady parts" jokes. HARD PASS.
Shark Tank
Is there anything more entertaining than watching an eager, enthusiastic entrepreneur have their dreams crushed under the $300 heel of an arrogant and cold-hearted business investor?
No friends; no, there is not.
The Amazing Race
Can we race these people to the ends of the earth and then push them off, please? Twenty seven television "cycles" is 26.5 too many to watch bickering spouses and passive aggressive siblings in-fight compete against other similar "teams." If I want to experience that shit in my house I'll offer to host Thanksgiving.
Blood & Oil*
Have you seen Dallas, either of the times it ran as a series?
Yes -> Skip this show.
No -> Skip this show.
60 Minutes
Old white men discuss unsolved crimes set to a gentle background sound effects of a ticking clock. Sometimes there's a lady in a skirt and sensible pumps on set, just for shits and giggles. Want more info? Ask your Grandfather.
Bob’s Burgers
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