Toilet Paper: You're Hanging it Wrong

There are few things in life which are firmly black or white, but some do exist. Crocs and socks, for example. They'll always get a definite no, as will mayonnaise on anything but a ham sandwich. But I will willingly look the other way at these infractions so long as you hang your toilet paper the correct way:

UNDER the roll.

When I toilet trained my children, this piece of bathroom etiquette was more important to impart than hitting the target. So long as the roll is hung with the paper coming from underneath - aka properly - all is well in the world. I'm fairly certain Justin Bieber's troubles started when his housekeeper went on vacation and the replacement the agency sent started hanging his butt-wipe in the wrong direction.

When you don't hang your paper under-the-roll, terrible things can happen to you: the world will stop spinning and coyotes will eat your pets and your birth control will get recalled but you won't get the memo until you're 7cm dilated. I've been hanging my toilet paper under-the-roll for as long as I can remember, and NONE of those things have happened to me.  You hang that roll over the top and you're taking chances, is what I'm driving at - chances I can not afford to take.

I realize I speak for the under-hanging minority here, but it's important that we have a strong voice. We the under-hangers have traditionally been a marginalized community, and with the recent publication of this 1891 toilet paper patent, it's as important as ever that we have a platform.

I know some of you out there are closeted under-hangers - maybe you change the roll when you're alone to suit your preferences, but succumb to heavy pressure and flip rolls back when your partner or roommates are due home. It is important to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Underhangers, unite!  We may be few, but we are mighty.

RELATED: Why I Never Flush

The patent in question is dated 1891. A quick Google search indicates that the year 1891 brought terrible blizzards and earthquakes that killed thousands, and was also the year Fig Newtons became widely available to the public, and Fig Newtons are without question the lowest-ranked and worst cookie-style foodstuff imagineable. (I cannot call them "cookies" in good conscience.) Perhaps 1891 - and all that occurred within it - should be scrubbed from recorded history altogether.

Toilet paper should never hang over-the-roll for several reasons:

1. The term "hung over" is not a good look on anyone/thing.
2. Under roll hanging allows paper to remain close to the wall, thereby hiding the big hole in the plaster where the drill slipped because you had to practically do the bathroom reno yourself since your husband lost interest in everything house-related once UFC became available on Canadian Pay-Per-View.
3. A roll of toilet paper hanging over the roll resembles a dead man slung over his horse. Are you in favour of this? YOU'RE A MONSTER.

I change rolls to the proper direction at friends' homes and in public bathrooms at institutions whenever possible to do so, and it can be done most places, because I've constructed a universal skeleton key/shiv which allows me to jimmy open most toilet roll boxes almost silently. And if I make some noise? Well, no war was won without casualties.

^{Image Source: Google Patents}