Imagine a fight between a misogynistic drunk tiger with boundary issues and a Twitter account and a beautiful, somewhat vapid peacock who, like, literally can’t even.
Welcome to the shit show Charlie Sheen calls “Wednesday!” In this week’s episode, Sheen takes on America’s favourite person to hate for no valid or important reason, Mrs. Kanye West, Kim Kardashian herself.
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This time around, the battle is fought on the modern equivalent to a bloody battlefield, Twitter. In this particular showdown, shots were fired by Sheen and land decidedly in Kardashian’s favour. Yesterday Sheen posted to his account (in a now deleted message) that Kim was “lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly [sic] bag of funk you dare call an ass." Okay, so yes, a dick move for sure on Sheen’s behalf and the tweet was quickly deleted and replaced by an apology, the likes of which only Sheen is capable:
Sheen utilized the “TwitLonger” app to create the artistic apology including enjambment. You want to make a statement in apologies, Mr. Sheen? Try Haiku.
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The self-deprecating hashtag was a nice touch but honestly, who does one root for in such a fight? Kim’s apparent transgression – the one which set Charlie off enough to attack her appearance and essentially something beyond her control (the size of her ass) was her supposed refusal to sign an autograph for a six year-old fan. I don’t buy it for a minute – the refusal, nor the six year-old fan, because believing means there are parents in the world who are okay with their six year-old children being fans of an adult who doesn't sing the theme song from Frozen or invent those awesome bed-wetter undies that finally make sleepovers a possibility.
This all from a man who's current infamy comes from showcasing his impressive ability to capitalize on a rabid public's need to consume controversial subject matter. So... he's basically a Kardashian but with less shiny hair and more court dates. Hardly a time to stockpile Ye Olde Throwin' Stones.
Sheen asserts he heard the tale of woe from a real life human person - not one from his distant home planet - and goes as far as to name his source. But when you stop think about everything you’re told in a day, upwards of 78% is pure, unadulterated bullshit. I’d argue this rumour is in that category. The Kardashians may be a lot of things, but they don’t come off as assholes to the public, unlike other celebrities like... oh, I dunno, (cough) Charlie Sheen.
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