82 Things My Teenager Thinks Are Bull$hit

I have a teenage daughter. I’ll pause here for dramatic effect, and although I know you can’t see me, take this time to visualize me hanging my head and practicing deep breathing techniques. She’s a great kid, and while she doesn’t do anything “bad” in the way I did when I was her age, she is exhausting. ALL-CAPS. FULL STOP.

Teenage girls aren’t exhausting in the same way nine-year-old boys are exhausting. Sure, nine-year-old boys require a parent to possess stealth, cunning, and an unlimited grocery budget, but fourteen-year-old girls require you to have a sympathetic friend with a similarly aged child who gets in her car as soon as you text “ERMAHGERD LIQR STORE.”

My fifteen-year-old daughter has an alarmingly low tolerance for bullshit of any kind—a trait I believe will serve her well in adult life—but it makes living peacefully with her nearly impossible. And as you can see here, you may be best served to avoid her on particularly grouchy days, especially if you’re a sexist, hairy-knuckled jogger unable to divide fractions who also enjoys guacamole. I’ll be honest and say I’m a bit of a bullshit-hater myself, so she comes by it naturally. If anything, it’s refreshing to see the things that irk a teenager, as they make me long for the days when portable classrooms and slippery hair pins were serious business.

So, here you go: (Note: I compiled this list according to her comments during the short period between waking up in the morning and serving her a crappy toast with crust and natural peanut butter breakfast.)

Things my Teenage Daughter Thinks are Bullshit

1. People who don’t understand math
2. Book reports
3. Reports of any kind
4. Patriarchy
5. Old toothbrushes
6. Pantyhose
7. People who don’t refill the milk
8. Slow walkers
9. Couples who kiss in the school hall way; wait, couples in general
10. Bras
11. Rules
12. Hair conditioner bottles that hold less than a gallon
13. Stupid people
14. Clumpy mascara
15. Locked doors
16. Dress codes
17. Portables
18. Salt stains
19. Black socks with black pants—WHERE DOES YOUR LEG END?
20. Uniforms
21. Fake pockets
22. Telemarketers
23. Slippery hair pins
24. Patronizing tone of voice
25. Snow
26. Rain
27. Anything that falls from the sky, really
28. Toast crusts, bread crusts, DON’T GET ME STARTED ON CRUSTY ROLLS
29. Heat
30. Sweat
31. Sun in your eyes
32. Standing in line
33. Homework
34. Periods
35. Boobs
36. Knuckle hair
37. Pimples
38. Armpits
39. The whole body; it’s gross, really
40. Exercise
41. Plain yogurt
42. Whole wheat products of any kind
43. Chores
44. Braces
45. Sexism
46. When the TV remote control is all the way over there
47. Racism
48. People in general
49. Inconsiderate cyclists
50. Rudeness
51. Ignorance
52. Not being the best at something immediately
53. Patience
54. Toe socks, actually no; wait, I love those, I just hate them in theory
55. The TV show “Dog with a Blog”
56. Pit bull (the singer not the pet)
57. Not having a pet
58. Seriously, when are we getting a goddamn dog?
59. Pomegranate or grapefruit – wait; which one is the tangy one? JUST WRITE “BOTH”
60. Slow scribes
61. Unsweetened drinks
62. Guacamole (who is this person?)
63. Green foods, except jello, and, yes, Jello is a food and to say otherwise is bullshit
64. Chunks in salsa
65. Overprotective parents
66. Lying liars who LIE
67. Excuses
68. Arrogance
69. Natural peanut butter
70. Quick showers
71. Pulp
72. Early bedtimes
73. Daily vitamins
74. Lint
75. Dust
76. Putting away laundry
77. Emptying the dishwasher
78. Joggers
79. Practice of any sort
80. Short battery life
81. Back stories
82. Being late for the bus, MOTHER

I cannot wait until she’s finished school and out on her own, because while I agree with a large percentage of the items on her list, I look forward to seeing how she feels about having a mortgage, student loans, and maybe, one day, a bullshit-hating teenager of her own. I posted this list with complete approval from my daughter. When I asked if I could put her “beefs” on my blog, she responded, “Whatever. I don’t care if you put it on your blog. Blogs are bullshit.” Have any to add?

Read more from Jeni on Teens:

Getting Their Zzzz's: Why it's Probably Okay to Let your Teen Sleep their Youth Away

The Cost of Raising a Child: The Teen Years

*image courtesy WikiCommons