Jeni Marinucci: Panic Button Years


82 Things My Teenager Thinks Are Bull$hit

As decided between waking up and having crappy toast with crust and natural peanut butter for breakfast

Things that are bull$shit

I have a teenage daughter. I’ll pause here for dramatic effect, and although I know you can’t see me, take this time to visualize me hanging my head and practicing deep breathing techniques. She’s a great kid, and while she doesn’t do anything “bad” in the way I did when I was her age, she is exhausting. ALL-CAPS. FULL STOP.

Teenage girls aren’t exhausting in the same way nine-year-old boys are exhausting. Sure, nine-year-old boys require a parent to possess stealth, cunning, and an unlimited grocery budget, but fourteen-year-old girls require you to have a sympathetic friend with a similarly aged child who gets in her car as soon as you text “ERMAHGERD LIQR STORE.”

My fifteen-year-old daughter has an alarmingly low tolerance for bullshit of any kinda trait I believe will serve her well in adult lifebut it makes living peacefully with her nearly impossible. And as you can see here, you may be best served to avoid her on particularly grouchy days, especially if you’re a sexist, hairy-knuckled jogger unable to divide fractions who also enjoys guacamole. I’ll be honest and say I’m a bit of a bullshit-hater myself, so she comes by it naturally. If anything, it’s refreshing to see the things that irk a teenager, as they make me long for the days when portable classrooms and slippery hair pins were serious business.

So, here you go: (Note: I compiled this list according to her comments during the short period between waking up in the morning and serving her a crappy toast with crust and natural peanut butter breakfast.)


Things my Teenage Daughter Thinks are Bullshit


  1. People who don’t understand math
  2. Book reports
  3. Reports of any kind
  4. Patriarchy
  5. Old toothbrushes
  6. Pantyhose
  7. People who don’t refill the milk
  8. Slow walkers
  9. Couples who kiss in the school hall way; wait, couples in general
  10. Bras
  11. Rules
  12. Hair conditioner bottles that hold less than a gallon
  13. Stupid people
  14. Clumpy mascara
  15. Locked doors
  16. Dress codes
  17. Portables
  18. Salt stains
  19. Black socks with black pantsWHERE DOES YOUR LEG END?
  20. Uniforms
  21. Fake pockets
  22. Telemarketers
  23. Slippery hair pins
  24. Patronizing tone of voice
  25. Snow
  26. Rain
  27. Anything that falls from the sky, really
  28. Toast crusts, bread crusts, DON’T GET ME STARTED ON CRUSTY ROLLS
  29. Heat
  30. Sweat
  31. Sun in your eyes
  32. Standing in line
  33. Homework
  34. Periods
  35. Boobs
  36. Knuckle hair
  37. Pimples
  38. Armpits
  39. The whole body; it’s gross, really
  40. Exercise
  41. Plain yogurt
  42. Whole wheat products of any kind
  43. Chores
  44. Braces
  45. Sexism
  46. When the TV remote control is all the way over there
  47. Racism
  48. People in general
  49. Inconsiderate cyclists
  50. Rudeness
  51. Ignorance
  52. Not being the best at something immediately
  53. Patience
  54. Toe socks, actually no; wait, I love those, I just hate them in theory
  55. The TV show “Dog with a Blog”
  56. Pit bull (the singer not the pet)
  57. Not having a pet
  58. Seriously, when are we getting a goddamn dog?
  59. Pomegranate or grapefruit – wait; which one is the tangy one? JUST WRITE “BOTH”
  60. Slow scribes
  61. Unsweetened drinks
  62. Guacamole (who is this person?)
  63. Green foods, except jello, and, yes, Jello is a food and to say otherwise is bullshit
  64. Chunks in salsa
  65. Overprotective parents
  66. Lying liars who LIE
  67. Excuses
  68. Arrogance
  69. Natural peanut butter
  70. Quick showers
  71. Pulp
  72. Early bedtimes
  73. Daily vitamins
  74. Lint
  75. Dust
  76. Putting away laundry
  77. Emptying the dishwasher
  78. Joggers
  79. Practice of any sort
  80. Short battery life
  81. Back stories
  82. Being late for the bus, MOTHER

I cannot wait until she’s finished school and out on her own, because while I agree with a large percentage of the items on her list, I look forward to seeing how she feels about having a mortgage, student loans, and maybe, one day, a bullshit-hating teenager of her own. I posted this list with complete approval from my daughter. When I asked if I could put her “beefs” on my blog, she responded, “Whatever. I don’t care if you put it on your blog. Blogs are bullshit.” Have any to add?


Read more from Jeni on Teens:

Getting Their Zzzz's: Why it's Probably Okay to Let your Teen Sleep their Youth Away

The Cost of Raising a Child: The Teen Years

*image courtesy WikiCommons