Jen Warman: New Freakin' Mummy


The Third Trimester

breaking up with pregnancy

Dear Pregnancy,

I want you to know that as much as I still love you, I’m not in love with you anymore. I feel like the honeymoon phase of the second trimester is over, and I’m ready to move on and try new things. Don’t worry pregnancy, it’s not’s me.

Okay, that’s a lie. It’s totally you!

Who do you think you are anyway? In the second trimester of our relationship you used to give me a blissful glow and a cute manageable little bump that people would admire and compliment. And now? In the third trimester of our relationship you've turned my belly into something best admired behind glass at a freak show. To top it off, you give me a bouquet of hemorrhoids with a card that says “sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass.”

Well guess what? You can stop being sorry, and you can give me my energy and sleep back! Those were just on loan! You can also stop laughing at me as I waddle away from you and take breathing breaks on the stairs. I’m huffing and puffing because I’m mad at you! It has nothing to do with the extra 23 pounds I’m carrying around.

Oh, and while we’re at it—I’ve always wanted cankles anyway. All the cool girls have them.

So suck it.

But you know what? This trimester hasn’t been a huge waste of my time. While you’ve been trying your best to make me miserable I’ve been busy doing other important things. Like learning a new language. Yeah, that’s right. I’m now preg-lingual. Look at all of the words I now know the meaning of (that I never would have known before):

-lanugo hair

-linea negra


-external cephalic version



-placenta previa

And there are so many others, I just can’t think of them right now. Are you jealous? You should be.

So despite your best efforts to bring me down, and make me bitter—I’m still smiling! When people ask me how I’m doing, I say “great!” because it’s mostly true, most of the time.

Oh, and one other major important thing we’re forgetting here, Pregnancy...


With all of your annoying symptoms aside, I would still go through it all over again. So I guess this isn’t goodbye Pregnancy, it’s “see you later.” I’m sick of you right now, and I feel like you should probably see other people. But please come back in another couple of years, and we can try dating again for another ten months.


Yours truly,

Jen Warman