Today I'm having one of those days where I feel like a shitty ass parent. I just feel so glum (yes, I said glum) and I swear Cole can feel it. I've sung many songs, gone for some walks, and we even had a play in the park: complete with airplane rides. But I just feel like he just knows that today isn't as fun as other days. I once told my husband that I thought Cole slept so much that day because he found me boring. He laughed and reminded me that babies need to sleep. I still think I was boring him...
Anyway—I don't know what it is exactly. I think that I'm starting to feel a little disconnected...from myself. Unsure of what I want to put my energy into (aside from Cole) and unsure of what my future holds. I feel indecisive and uninspired.
I'm starting to get frustrated that my son only sleeps two hours at a time, and that he still can't "settle himself to sleep." I can't just let him cry it out, and the baby whisperer's methods lick my balls. (Okay, I'm sure they work for many people, but I can't seem to get her techniques to work for me). Maybe I'm just a quitter. A big fat quitter.
I feel like I could take a big fat quitter temper tantrum right now—except I don't even have the energy. I'm quitting my big-fat-quitter temper tantrum before it's even begun. Sigh.
My brain feels scattered, and so does my house. Laundry is half-done, the dishes are half-put-away, and I got half-dressed today..
My girlfriends are coming over for dinner tomorrow night...at 7:30pm. That is usually when Cole goes to sleep and I join him an hour later. They can't get here earlier because they all work late. And I don't want to become a shut-in who doesn't see her friends, so I'm sacrificing sleep.
My husband is going away to Vegas for 4 days for work (Who goes to Vegas for WORK? Jerk). He's also going to see a Cirque du Soliel show while he's there.
Well, Cole can put his feet in his mouth now, so I guess I'll just dress him up, paint his face and play some crazy music in the background. It's sort of the same thing.
My posture also sucks (I'm hunching while I type this) and I'm too lazy to fix it right now. I'm comfortable.
I haven't been doing enough kegel exercises and my core strength could really use a boost.
Hm, what else? I'd really like to end this bitch-fest-pity-party on a high note...
...
This sucks, I can't think of anything awful to end on, and I'm already feeling guilty about venting such negativity. In the grand scheme of things, I know how fortunate I am, and I truly love my life. And in all honesty...90% of the time I'm blissfully happy. I'm surrounded by great people who love me, and I have the most amazing son in the world. I cried today just looking at him. How did I make such an incredible little human?!?
See, this SUCKS! I'll never be a professional comedian because even in my "darkest hours" I perk up and optimism starts showing its happy little fucking face.
Sigh. I guess it's a good thing to suck at being negative? Self-high-five to that.
;)
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