Jen Warman: New Freakin' Mummy


Got Pumped Milk?


So I've realized I'm a hoarder. A hoarder of my own breastmilk. It's like a stamp or antique spoon collection. I love to open the freezer and look at the bags of frozen breast milk. I count them. "One, two, three, four..." and then I add up how many ounces I have and fantasize about all of the things I could do with so much frozen milk: I could get a massage! I could go for a pedicure! I could have 4 glasses of a row! 

Except...I never do any of these things. I just keep collecting. "One day, one day I'll use this milk and it will be glorious!" (Insert evil scientist laugh with echo sound effects)

So why do I have this proud obsession with my breastmilk collection? I have no idea. I guess I just still think it's pretty cool that my body is producing this liquid gold that is helping a baby human grow (and grow fast, might I add!) 

And to think, 3 months ago I was SCARED of my breast pump! Terrified, actually.

"I'm supposed to take my precious nipple, and put it...where? In THAT thing? What if it sucks it right off? Is there an eject-nipple-button?"

But I was determined to start my little collection, so I bit down on my lower lip, took a deep breath, and suctioned my nipple. 

My quivering finger pressed the "start" button and I closed my eyes. Turns out, I should have kept my eyes closed. A nipple does NOT look pretty in the transparent plastic suction thingy—and you almost don't want to know how long your own nipple can stretch. Holy crapballs, Batman!!! The human body is a pretty amazing thing.

We really are mammals (our Science teachers weren't shitting us) and this has truly been reinforced to me since having a baby. Breasts are no longer sexual objects, they are feeding tools. Gawking at them and making sexual gestures now confuses me. "Are you hungry Mr. Dirty Construction worker? Is that why you're whistling and pointing? I can go buy you a sandwich if you like." 

My poor husband. At least he's a butt man, and I don't need my butt to feed my baby. He's still allowed to squeeze that. 

Okay, all of this talk about breastmilk makes me want to go and pump again. Then re-count my collection...