I'm about to share something very personal and embarrassing with you guys: the contents of my purse.
Whenever I get a new bag, I start out with the best of intentions, and a declaration to the universe. A purse pledge, that sounds something like this:
"Dearly beloved new bag that smells divine and sweet. I will NOT turn you into a junk pile/trash can/collector of random shit. I will carry you proudly, and stroke you gently with love and affection..." (I'm making my husband jealous). And then two months later, what happens?
The novelty wears off, and my new purse becomes my day-to-day-old purse and turns into a junk-pile-trash-can-collection-of-random-shit...and then some.
And now that I have kids, it's even worse. Not only do I carry around my shit I carry around their shit (sometimes literally).
So without further ado, here - laid out naked for you all to see, here is the embarrassing contents of my purse. Enjoy.
ONE UN-EATEN SOUR GUMMY LEFT OVER FROM A FRIEND'S KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. I ATE THE OTHER 17 THAT WERE IN THE BAG. NOT SURE HOW THIS LITTLE FUCKER GOT FREE. DAMN. I HALF CONSIDERED RINSING HIM OFF AND EATING HIM TOO.
RANDOM CUTE TOY THAT MY FRIEND MADE ME. AMUSED MY KIDS FOR 3 MINUTES WHILE AT A RESTAURANT. HIS NAME IS ED.
I CAN NEVER FIND ONE PAIR WHEN I'M LOOKING FOR THEM - YET THERE ARE TWO IN MY PURSE.
ONE PURPLE LEATHER GLOVE (FROM OUR TRIP TO ITALY) THAT IS NOW STAINED WITH AN UNKNOWN WHITE SUBSTANCE. PRETTY SURE IT'S YOGURT. IT'S LIKE AN "OJ MEETS CLINTON-SCANDAL CRIME SCENE". RIGHT?
AND...ANOTHER GLOVE. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT'S GOING TO SNOW IN AUGUST. RIGHT?
AS A MOM, YOU ALWAYS NEED TO HAVE SNACKS IN YOUR PURSE (AND NOT JUST STALE-LINT-COVERED-SOUR-GUMMY'S)
THE NECKLACE I WORE TO WORK AND THEN HAD TO TAKE OFF BEFORE COMING HOME SO THAT MY CHILDREN DIDN'T STRANGLE ME TRYING TO PLAY WITH IT.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMEONE WILL GET A STUFFED NOSE AND NEED SALINE DROPS (OR WHEN YOU'LL LEAVE IT IN YOUR PURSE HALF-OPENED AND LET IT LEAK OVER EVERYTHING.)
YES. 3/4 OF OUR SILVERWARE ENDS UP IN MY PURSE. BUT AT LEAST I PACK LUNCHES. RIGHT?
WITH MY FIRST CHILD, I PUREED ALL MY OWN FOODS. WITH MY SECOND CHILD - WE BOUGHT SQUISHY PACKS. HERE IS THE LID. #SECONDCHILDSYNDROME #SUCKSTOBEYOU #THEREAREWORSETHINGS
I GUESS HE'LL KNOW HIS WHOLE ALPHABET EXCEPT FOR THE LETTER "I" BECAUSE IT WAS HIDING IN MY PURSE. #OHWELL #FUCKIT #25LETTERALPHABET #THEREAREWORSETHINGS
And. That's it. Now you know me - inside out. It worked for Pixar...???
That's as deep and embarrassing as I get folks. Don't judge me. I ask you to please love me, despite my trash-carrying-ways. I promise I brush my teeth (most days) and floss (most...months).