Jen Warman: New Freakin' Mummy


Addicted To The Boob


It seems I have created a monster.

A boob monster. 

My son is 15 months old, and much to my surprise we are still breastfeeding. And still loving it. Except one of us is loving it a little too much it seems. 

Since I work during the day, we only do bedtime and morning feeds. It's a comfort for sure, and such a nice way for us to still bond. If I weren't breastfeeding him, I don't think he would sit still long enough for me to run my fingers through his fine blonde hair and gaze down into his twinkling blue eyes. So I enjoy it — I really do.

What I don't enjoy, however, is being attacked by a very quick and agile little boob shark every time I get dressed. Or every time I bend over and he sees down my shirt. Instantly, his eyes light up, and he starts to mutter "booo. boooo. boooo." (I don't know why he can't just say BOOB. He has all the letters and sounds. C'mon kid. Get it together!) I'm constantly having to pull up my shirt, and distract him with something else, "Hey, look! Car keys! Birds! Cookies!" And sometimes this distraction works, but not for long. I've resorted to wrapping myself in my thick bathrobe 90% of the time — it's my kevlar boob shield. 

Every time I pick him up, I get an instant boob massage. His hand, moving at lightning speed, reaches into my bra. He gives old lefty a few squeezes and then finds the nipple.

Bleep bleep bleep.

"Stop it child!"

Bleep bleep bleep.

In particularly determined situations, he pulls down my bra, and lurches towards my breast. The second his mouth hits anything, he starts suckling like one of those algae fish in an aquarium.

"Do I not feed you enough solid food? Are you hungry? Do you want more cookies?"

*Nutrition goes out the window when a parent is trying to bribe their child. I'm learning this early on...

And then I turn into the soup nazi,

"No Boob For You!"



Is this normal? Have you dealt with a Boob Monster before? Is there a 12-step program you can refer us to? Because right now all 12 of our steps involve cookies...