Jen Warman: New Freakin' Mummy


Wake My Baby and I'll Kick Your A$$!


I am normally a pretty laid back, fun-loving, and kind person. I smile. I say "please" and "thank-you," and hold doors open for little old ladies. I've even been known to put my car in park and run across the street to help a disabled/potentially homeless man pull up his pants when he suddenly fell to his ankles (he was using a walker and wasn't very able-bodied.) This is a true story.

But if you'd like to see the other side of Jen Warman, all you need to do is wake up my sleeping baby.

This is when the fangs come out. This is when my face turns red with fury and I sputter a cacophony of swear words at you—my eyes filled with the purest form of hate. 

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that my 1-year-old baby still doesn't sleep very well. It can be a challenge getting him to sleep, and when he does fall asleep, it doesn't usually last for long. 

Therefore, if you're the one to make his eyes burst open just as he's nodding off...I will kill you. Or threaten to kill you. My husband, my mother, my father, my mother-in-law, my friends, and my dog have all been on the receiving end of my "you-woke-my-baby" rage. 

Just the other day, in fact, my Mom was trying to be helpful by moving something on the floor so that my husband wouldn't trip over it as he carried our sleeping baby up the stairs. When she moved the object, it made a loud "tinging" sound and immediately woke up our son. He started crying.

Game Over.

My Mom immediately looked over at me: her eyes wide with fear.

"Please. Please don't hurt me daughter! I gave birth to you, remember? Remember me?"

I guess she doesn't know about animals that are so hungry they eat their own babies. It's sort of the same thing, only in reverse, isn't it? 

Agh. I know having this much anger is irrational, but I dare you to explain "rational" to a mother who hasn't slept more than 2 hours at a time for the past 12 months. I also dare you to tell me about your baby who has been sleeping through the night since they were two days old. 

I refuse to believe such babies exist.

F*cking unicorn babies.

Mythical f*cking creatures that other moms lie about just to make themselves look good. And they're probably ugly unicorn babies too. They sleep so much because they're too ugly to stay awake for long. Yeah. That totally makes sense! *self-high-five*


Tell me, am I alone in experiencing this rage? (PS> Don't tell me I'm alone, or I'll kick your ass) 

DISCLAIMER: this is not a real threat. I am a wimp. I can't even kill spiders, and almost cried when I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree and die. But this is the internet and I can pretend to be as tough as I want to be! *Grrrrr*