I know you’re four now, baby girl.
That’s big.
That’s taller than my hip-bones big.
That’s going to school big.
That’s a little too big.
Bigger than I sometimes want you to be.
Because I can’t help but want to slow down time.
Pause those moments that make my heart skip a beat.
The way you still cuddle into my arms when you’re tired.
And then tell me that I’m squishing you in your sternest voice.
The way you run to me when you’re scared.
Fully entrusting in my ability to fix anything.
So utterly confident in my knack of kicking monster ass.
See, I really do want to see you grow . . .
But a part of me wants you to stay small, too.
Stay my baby just a little while longer.
Small enough to fit onto my lap.
Small enough to steal kisses from.
Small and young.
Young enough to want mommy and daddy and no one else.
Young enough to think we’re the whole entire world.
Just long enough to hold on to these memories you’re creating.
Memories that you don’t even realize mean something.
When I hear you singing yourself to sleep. The lyrics a sweet glimpse into your thoughts.
When you’re splashing around in the bath with your sister. The love so palpable and true.
Memories that are everything.
Moments that are fleeting.
But you’re a determined girl.
Determined to get bigger every day.
Each day, letting me know you’re that much closer to being really big.
Five, mommy.
Five is really super duper big.
Five like all the big kids, mommy.
But I’m still getting used to four, baby.
Still trying to figure out where the time went.
It just flew by so fast.
It’s still flying by so fast.
But I don’t think you hear my protests, though.
I think you think I’m joking.
And I sort of am.
Sort of, but not entirely.
I need you to just slow it down a little, baby.
Just a little, so I can catch up.
So that these years don’t go by so quickly.
So quickly that I can’t keep up.
So quickly for a mommy.
A mommy that that just wants to hold on tight.
But not for a big girl like you.
A big girl who is ready to fly.
Ready to test those wings and see how far you can go.
Ready to conquer your four-year-old world.
So absolutely, without a doubt, ready.
Just like you’re meant to be.
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Sometimes, I don’t remember who I am anymore.
It’s as though I’ve disappeared into motherhood and wife-ness. I’ve disappeared into this wonderful family and life that we’ve created for ourselves.
I’m not complaining. Not really.
I love my life, but sometimes, I miss myself.
Along the way, I seem to have lost a bit of who I am.
I’m spending a little less time getting ready, a little less time meeting friends, a little less time reading those favourite books, a little LOT less time working out.
A little less of everything that used to be just about me.
Everything that used to make me, ME.
And it’s bothering me lately.
Because it adds up.
Little by little, it becomes a lot.
Until, soon enough, you can’t remember who you are.
You lose yourself in your kids, your home, your job, your relationship. Everything else but you.
And that’s where I feel like I am.
But this spring, I’m changing that.
Now that both my children are a bit older, I feel like I have time to start thinking about myself again.
This last year has been all about my daughters, and I have definitely been putting myself on the back burner.
So now, it’s time to put the focus back onto myself a little. Doing those things that I’ve been ignoring for too long.
It’ll mean meeting friends for lovely, laughter-filled conversations.
It’ll mean fixing up my hair and face a bit more often.
It’ll mean going shopping just for the sake of shopping. Alone.
It’ll mean taking the time to work out.
It’ll mean spending an evening reading a good book every once in a while.
Just enough to rejuvenate myself.
Just enough so my daughters have a happy and relaxed mommy. A mommy who always puts them first, but takes care of herself, too.
Just enough so that my husband recognizes a bit more of the woman he married. The one who was lively and fun to be around.
Just enough so that I see myself looking back at me in the mirror.
Get real life advice on how to make time for yourself a priority, from a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and a work-outside-the-home mom (WOHM).
Dear Daughter,
I’ve decided I’m giving up yelling.
No, not at daddy. One step at a time, baby girl.
But at you and your sister.
Because I noticed something a few days ago. You also yell and scream when you’re upset. I’m not sure when it started, but I do know who you got it from.
Me.
I’m sorry.
On those days when I need more sleep and more caffeine and more hands, I yell. Those days usually end in y.
Sometimes, when I get frustrated and you don’t listen, and your sister is trying to climb up my leg, I yell. It’s not your fault and it’s not her fault.
It’s my fault.
I know that I gave you the wrong colour Play Doh and I cut your fruit up the wrong size and I gave you the princess cup for your milk when you really wanted the Minnie Mouse one.
I promise to listen more, ask better questions, try to understand so I get it right the next time. If I get it wrong, I’ll try again without getting angry.
Or I will take the time to explain why it has to be the way it is. I will get down to your level, reason, clarify, and answer your questions.
I hope you’ll have some patience with me.
And yes, I promise to have more patience with you, too.
Because you and your sister deserve that.
You both deserve so much better than the yelling and the nagging.
Mommy can do better. Mommy will do better.
I might slip up, but I’ll keep trying to be the best mommy I can be for you and your sister.
See, the thing is, I don’t want you to have my faults.
I want you to stay perfect and be you, just as you are meant to be.
Not a mini-me.
But a mini-you.
Become the girl you are supposed to be.
Not the girl that mommy is creating with her yelling and nagging.
You’re so much more than that.
So, I’m done with it.
The yelling, the nagging, the raised voice.
I’m giving it all up.
For you. For your sister.
For your future.
Love you always,
Your Mommy
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