I think I’m suffering from a complicated bout of prenatal anxiety. If that’s not an official medical term, it totally should be. I, for one, can attest to the fact that it’s real and that it’s utterly horrible. So what is the root of all this emotional turmoil I find myself in? Surprisingly, it’s not the blissfully unaware baby that’s (hopefully) enjoying his/her time in my way-too-small uterus. What’s really stressing me out is the aforementioned baby’s older sister. My precious first child.
I’m sure every first time mother will agree with me when I say there is nothing as wonderful as holding your newborn baby in your arms for the very first time. You realize right away that you never really knew what love was until that very moment. Ah, but therein lies the problem. How do you recreate such an once-in-a-lifetime experience? My biggest worry is that I won’t fall in love with this baby the same way I did with my first. This dark, awful thought is keeping me up at night.
I feel horrible saying it but I just don’t have the same excitement with this pregnancy that I did with my first. I was meticulous about taking growing bump pictures back then. This time around, I think I have maybe one. Maybe, but honestly I’m not even sure I have the one. And all that shopping that started right when I found out with my first pregnancy? Nope, nothing—not even a single teddy bear. No poring for hours over nursery pictures and design ideas. No mindlessly searching for the perfect baby name. I feel terrible about it but I really just can’t be bothered. I’m too busy being in love with my first born.
I’ve spoken to a few other mommies out there and they assure me that I have nothing to worry about. Yeah, right. Who would actually tell me the truth?! Who is really going to admit to having a favourite child? I don’t buy it. Maybe they’re just lying to me and can’t quite possibly tell me the truth. It’s not exactly the ‘ideal mommy’ sort of stuff and not the kind of thing you’d want to admit to. That’s why I have to worry about it now—before I am the mother of two children and can no longer discuss such concerns without being judged. Right now, I can get away with voicing these thoughts but once baby comes, I will undoubtedly have to zip it.
My daughter is my life right now. I can’t imagine having enough room in my heart for another baby. It’s like a pie chart and this is the chart right now:
You might notice that currently my daughter has a bit more of my heart than my husband. That’s me just being perfectly frank.
So now the question is, how can I carve out another piece when all the pieces are spoken for? Will this mean less love for each of the other parts? Will the pie get bigger to accommodate another piece?
Sadly, I have a feeling the new pie chart might start to look something like this:
Poor husband. Looks like we’re headed towards having our own bedrooms soon.