A number of things fall to pieces when you’re pregnant. They don’t mention it in the pregnancy books but it’s going to happen to all of us sooner or later. In fact, it’s already started happening to me. I was bothered and horrified with my first pregnancy but this time around, I knew better. I was mentally prepared and I’m about to give you the lowdown. You can and should prepare yourself as well. You won’t like to read what I’m about to say but trust me, it’s for your own good.
Your boobs are going to start looking more like they belong on a National Geographic cover than in a Playboy spread - Remember those cute perky cups? Yeah, consider them gone. In their place will be large, swollen mammoths with the ugliest nipples you’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s inevitable so try not to shed tears when you look in the mirror. They will eventually return to normal—sorta.
Your thighs will start to rub together - I’ve always been very conscientious of my thighs and when I was pregnant with my first child, I was mortified when they started to touch. Like WTF. The baby was in my belly so why were my thighs expanding like a helium balloon?! This pregnancy though, I’ve prepared myself emotionally. Go ahead and touch, you evil things. Watch the punishment you take after this is all over—you’ll be sorry you ever fell apart on me.
You will lose your ability to sleep peacefully - I find it ironic that everyone tells you to rest up and get lots of sleep while you still can. What they forget to mention is that they actually meant before you got pregnant. That might have been useful information, people. Getting up to go the bathroom, leg cramps, an ungainly belly that is constantly in your way, and a baby kicking your insides to shit all contribute to this new no-sleeping thing. Another one of the joys of pregnancy.
You will pee when you sneeze - I simultaneously laughed and cringed when other women told me this one. I was all, “Yeah right, you crazy and disgusting beasts. I’m doing my Kegels so screw you.” Ummm, so the Kegels don’t seem to be working. I was lucky with my first pregnancy but this time around, it’s payback for being a judgmental cow. All I can say is that I'm sorry and the jokes on me.
You will no longer be able to see or reach below your belly - This one sounds obvious but trust me, no one realizes it until it actually happens (or was that just me?!). Do you know how hard it is to put on socks and shoes when you can`t reach your feet?! And forget about painting your nails. Oh, and that grooming that you need to do for your lady parts? Good luck with that one. It'll be at the salon for you.
There you go. That's my list of utterly embarrassing and mortifying and undignified injustices that you will be dealing with. I don't like it and you won't like it but nothing can be done about it so you might as well just accept it. At least you get a cute baby at the end of it all. FYI, that`s just me trying to find the silver lining in a bad situation. Good luck mommas, we're all gonna need it.
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