It's inevitable. While teaching a seminar — it doesn't matter what topic, 'Hand Jobs', 'Menopausal Sex', 'How to Fix Your Tractor 101' (kidding...but I'm sure it would happen)--one brave soul raises their hand and asks, “Can you tell me how to find the G-Spot?”
This is where I gulp down a big sigh, try to keep the smile on my face and answer their question — I am after all a sex educator and it's my job to educate people about these kinds of things.
Still I can't help but wonder, as I'm giving the instructions, if the average woman is setting her orgasm expectations too high. By buying into all the media hype and trying to have this grass-is-always-greener G-Spot orgasm, it diminishes the perfectly wonderful orgasm she's, hopefully, already experiencing.
There's still a battle between researchers and sexologist about whether the G-Spot actually exists. Anecdotally, I have met hundreds of women who are able to have a G-Spot orgasm and "squirt" (ejaculate).
The problem is when you go online to find hundreds of articles, blogs and books saying that every woman can have a mind blowing, earth shattering G-spot orgasm if she and her partner simply know the techniques — which I don't believe is true.
G-Spot orgasms aren't for every woman: It's my observation they come (sorry for the pun) easier for some women more so than others. In fact, some women who can have G-Spot orgasms don't like the sensation.
Luckily respected sex educator Sunny Megatron agrees. Here's her take on relearning what you've learned about the G-Spot:
Most of the videos on female anatomy and the G-spot are much too graphic for this blog, which is why we're watching the young and enthusiastic Laci Green talk about the G-Spot and the P-Spot (Yes, there's all kinds of 'spots'; find out more about The G-Spot, A-Spot and U-Spots.)
BTW—If you have an older teenager and want them to have solid sex education, then point them to Laci Green's YouTube Channel.
Having your first G-spot orgasm usually takes many months to master; you need to to train your body and be tuned in to what it's experiencing. Because there isn't any instant orgasm gratification, many women get discouraged and give up after only a few attempts.
(1) You need to be very (VERY) aroused because your G-Spot will be a lot more sensitive when your pelvic region is engorged with blood; think about the difference between a flaccid and erect penis.
(2) Go into the vaginal canal with two fingers pressing firmly toward the belly button. As every woman's body is different, if there were a clock on her outside pubic bone her G-Spot will be located internally between the 10:00 and 2:00 o'clock positions. Most women's G-spot is located at 1:00 o'clock.
(3) With two fingers, start doing a rhythmic 'come hither' motion, rubbing firmly between 10:00 and 2:00 o'clock.
(4) When your G-spot is aroused enough, a small nub that feels similar to the tip of your nose will appear. Start message that spot using the come hither motion in and around that area.
(5) At some point you will feel like you have to pee. This part of the learning curve is probably the most difficult for women to get past; that is not immediately clenching to stop that need-to-go-to-the-bathroom-feeling. Clench and you've lost your chance.
(6) Zen-like at this juncture you need to “Be with the pee.” After 10 to 15 seconds of 'being with the pee' your body should move into orgasm.
(7) Most women will ejaculate with her orgasm—from 1 teaspoon to 1 litre (yes, a litre) but most likely 1 to 2 tablespoons. A woman's ejaculate isn't pee even though it's coming out of her urethra; it's a similar system to how men can pee and ejaculate from the same hole.
For those of you who may be squeemish about ejaculating remember men (and many women) love to see things squirting out of orfices. Even if your partner is down there and you squirt all over them, they will feel like a freakin' super hero and walk around with a puffed chest for days.
Sometimes when you are on your own, it's tricky to reach your G-Spot with your fingers. And/ or if you're with a partner and can't get over the edge, it's time to bring in a vibrator. My recommendation is this little baby the Lelo Mona. Using a vibrator will make this process go a lot faster because the vibrations bring blood to the surface making the area a lot more sensitive. Once you hit the spot, gently rub the toy back and forth over the area.
Once you go to all that effort and train your body to understand what it needs to feel, many women report being able to have a G-spot orgasm on command. Which really is an exceptionally fun party trick to pull out of your sexual repertoire. And for those women who once were able to have G-spot orgasms and need a refresher course, here's a great article: How do I get back to my G-Spot?
It's my observation that if you go looking to have a G-spot orgasm, it probably won't happen. It's those times when you're completely juiced up and enjoying the sexual experience that your body lets go and it happens all on its own. Therefore simply by enjoying the orgasm you already experience, no matter if you can have a G-spot orgasm or not, you will always cum out the big sexy winner.
Watching Wendy Williams on YouTube after the kids go to bed is my guilty pleasure. I love her Hot Topics take-no-prisoners candor as she gossips about celebrity culture.
But then sometimes she and her panels talk about sex, and...I squirm, get frustrated and have to walk away from my computer. Sometimes to the point where I promise myself to never watch her show again. (Of course, I can't help myself.)
Case in point: Here, Wendy and her panel talk about scheduling sex - watch as the discussion heats up at 7:18.
(Just as an aside: In our society, scheduling sex is synonymous with a failed relationship. So part of me suspects some panelists are trying to save face by insisting they have spontaneous sex.)
That said, Jenny Hutt does try to defend why scheduling sex is important but is quickly shut down.
My brain just about exploded as LZ Granderson exclaimed, “That's why God created quickies....” Ummm. Does LZ realize that quickies are a fast, easy release...for men? That they leave the majority of women sexually unsatisfied, and contributing to why so many women have sex as a "to-do chore?"
By the end of the segment, I was literally banging my head on my computer as Wendy wrinkled her nose at the camera and said, “For those who schedule sex, to each his own. I just find it strange.”
Here's the reality about long term relationships and a healthy sex life: consistent, good sex is a habit and a couple intention. Some couples (un)consciously or intuitively understand this and create the necessary habits and intentions to make sex work within their partnership. These couples most likely do not need to schedule sex.
And then there's the rest of us who are trying to make sex work within our busy lives.
Generally, but certainly not for every couple, the man is expected to initiate sex. (Shout out to those women who will comment about how they are the only one to initiate sex). So when a couple decides they want sex to happen spontaneously, men do just that...initiate sex spontaneously.
Not surprisingly, busy women who are wrapped up in the never ending treadmill immediately freeze up from his affectionate touch and think, “Now!?!? You want sex now? How selfish are you that you can't see how wrapped up I am in my busy day?” Or, “Really? This is my only time to unwind and you expect me to fulfill your needs. Come on!” etc.
Either she either rebuffs him and he walks away feeling resentful; or she has guilt, get-this-off-my-to-do-list-for-the-week sex. The latter has both people know it's awkward and she doesn't want to, but is going along with it because neither knows how to fix the situation and it's way better than the fall out from not having sex.
Like clockwork when a couple get stuck in that type of negative spontaneous sex loop, power struggles and resentment grows and becomes increasingly difficult to fix.
I won't lie. Scheduled sex can feel contrived - especially at first. But no more awkward than when spontaneous sex is initiated and one of you goes along with it even though you don't feel like it.
Couples who make the decision to schedule sex do so because they mutually want to start the process of creating the habits and intentions to have good sex for the rest of their lives.
Because you no longer feel pounced upon, you have some control over the situation and can therefore create a space where your sexual satisfaction and needs are being met.
Instead of saying, “Oh cripes! It's Saturday morning and I just got a butt squeeze. Let's put the kids in front of the cartoons and get this over with,” rather you create a couple dynamic that feeds both of your sexual anticipation: “Okay. It's Saturday morning. Reading erotica / masturbating / rubbing my body with scented lotion makes me hot. Wearing sexy clothes makes me feel like a woman (not a mom). I'm excited to try something new from Dr. Trina's website that I texted earlier this week to my partner."
It leads to "It's the most awesome feeling for the two of us giggle over coffee Sunday morning. Choosing this way to spend 15 to 20 minutes will make us both happier, healthier and closer as a couple.”
A Sex Expert's Advice: There is no bigger gift you can give to yourself, your partner, and your partnership than coming to the sexual experience with in a good sexual head space and a bring. it. on. attitude. Scheduling sex is an easy way to create that dynamic!
To be fair, The Wendy Show has brought on excellent relationship and sex experts to answer audience questions in the past and continue to do so. And if I were to attempt to do Wendy's Hot Topics segment it would be a disaster. So I suppose when Wendy gives sex advice, we should take it with a (big) grain of salt.