Week #8—Six Month Sex Challenge
The Magnificent Jimmy Jane Candle
Warm massage oil being dribbled onto and lovingly massaged into my tired naked body. This was the thought that I’ve fantasized, perhaps obsessed, about all week.
And it was a challenging week. What’s new? I needed the fantasy to get through. My computer got a major Trojan virus (who are these nasty people doing this malicious stuff?); I’m finding pee all over my house as my toddler figures out potty training; and the house is on a rigorous morning schedule as I write my next book.
All of it manageable as I kept reading the Jimmy Jane Candle description: “Light AFTERGLOW and use it as a candle, then blow it out and drizzle it on the body. When heated, the wax liquefies into high-slip massage oil that softens and hydrates the skin. Great while lit, even better in the dark. More than a candle, it’s an encounter.”
Made me tingly all over.
Setting the Mood 101—A Refresher Course
The day of my glorious warm massage I wanted it to be a special evening. I thought, “I’m going to make a nice supper for us.”
Then as 5:00 rolled around, I had the chance to look in the mirror—major frump mom. Put on some we’re-having-company clothes, a little makeup and earrings. Husband came home and I gave him an affectionate kiss.
After I put my toddler to bed thought, “I’m going to light some candles.” Somehow found six tea lights on the top shelf of closet and dusted them off. Inspired by the warm mood of candles, I went into my closet and pulled out a negligee set. Slipped it over my head…and it was snug…but still able to pull it over my ample baby-booty.
ACK! Looked down and my legs looked like they belonged to a gorilla. Madly dashed into the bathroom and shaved my legs.
Vibrating with excitement, I found my husband who had somehow lulled our newborn to sleep—thank god! Did a little twirl in my negligee as he admired me...while simultaneously giving me an update on how he was fixing the Trojan virus. (Truly grateful I have him to fix my computer, but come on, this is an all-about-me moment.)
I led him to the bedroom. Just before we stepped over the threshold, he stepped in some missed toilet-training toddler pee (honestly, my house is not a pigsty). Took a couple of minutes to clean it up.
How was the massage?
I am happy to say that I was not let down. Having the warm wax drizzled onto my back was the closest thing to erotic I’ve felt in months. The scent of the “Fig Leaf” was lovely, not too sweet or over powering. And the wax didn’t leave a stain on my negligee or sheets.
The massage felt so heavenly that there was a drool spot on the sheets. Felt so relaxed and happy that I wanted to reciprocate, so I gave my husband a mini-massage.
Besides the mad dash to the bathroom to dehair my legs, setting the mood was easy and fun. Overall very lovely and much needed experience.
Husband's rating on Jimmy Jane Candle
He gives it an 8/10. He loves the fragrance and the sensations of the warm massage oil.
Next week, it’s all about my husband and we’ll be trying the We-Vibe.
(My Six Month Sex Challenge blog series was originally published in 2009. I'm happy to report now that my kids are 3 and 5 years old, my sex life is back on track!) Image Source
Week #7—Six Month Sex Challenge
After my last blog post about not knowing whether to carry on with this challenge, I had to sit down and do a lot of hard thinking. Actually, it was three days of bouncing between bouts of crying and angrily asking myself, “Why does this have to be so difficult? I just want to have sex.”
Had some heart-to-heart chats with my husband. Cleared the air and decided together how we wanted to go forward. But then later in the week it came time to initiate sex and I didn’t know if I was going to face rejection, unresolved couple issues or what. So, as per usual, I held off until the very last minute.
A walk down memory lane
Because I’m breastfeeding fulltime, lubricant is an absolute essential as intercourse can be uncomfortable.
I’ll never forget my first son’s six week postpartum checkup. As my OBGYN inserted fingers lathered with KY jelly she said, “The might feel uncomfortable. Sometimes women’s vaginas go into a menopausal-like state if they are breastfeeding fulltime. This may make intercourse uncomfortable.”
Before having my first son, I dolled this information out to hundreds of new moms. You see estrogen which makes for a nice juicy vagina, is being suppressed by the hormones prolactin and oxytocin.
Ironically, I didn’t expect intercourse to be so darn uncomfortable. And for the first six months intercourse was, at times, unpleasant until I stopped breastfeeding fulltime. So as excited as I was to initiate intercourse this time around, I was just as anxious about if I would have to endure another six months of it being uncomfortable.
How was the intercourse?
When the time came to get down to business, I had a bottle of lubricant on my bedside table. I knew from experience that water based lubricant just wouldn’t cut it for my poor old vagina, so I went straight to the silicone based lube.
This time around intercourse was uncomfortable. Sigh. Quite disappointed but I also appreciate that it will only be a few more months of fulltime breastfeeding. I used A LOT of silicone lubricant and it seemed to help. I guess this means we can’t have wild, hanging off the chandeliers intercourse (like that happens anyway) for a while.
Afterwards, as we lay in bed wrapped around each other—such a long time since we’ve done that. Had a feeling of complete peace. Really felt like all this icky couple crap we’re going through is going to work out. We are going to be okay; not perfect but perfectly okay. Best of all, we’re well on our way to getting our sex life back on track.
Husband’s rating on silicone lubricant
He gives it an 8/10—high praise indeed coming from him. He really liked how the product worked but felt it wasn’t as slippery or lasted as long as other silicone lubricants we’ve tried. (I told him it was a trade off because this product doesn’t stain sheets like some silicone lubes do.)
Next week we’ll be trying the Jimmy Jane candle.
Intention. Such a little word with such big meaning.
I came to the startling realization this week that my sex life has always been and always will be ruled by my intentions (a bit of a Sexologist’s “Eureka” moment actually).
For the last six years, my life’s intention was to have a child. This intention was so strong that, at times, I was blinded to all else.
Every month for the past six years has seen me at the stroke of ovulation having sex. As anyone who has done the ovulation-sex-thing over and over again can attest, it’s an all consuming endeavor. Then came waiting to see if pregnancy occurred—if it didn’t then there’s the inevitable let down. If pregnancy did occur, I was hanging on by my nails (barely able to breath) to see if the baby stuck.
After struggling (eleven miscarriages) to get my two children, I can see the zeal to have children, plus the usual couple challenges, plus my workaholic tendencies, has created a lot of bumps and bruises to my relationship.
Thank goodness the baby making chapter is finished. The next chapter in my life’s story is to give my relationship a big dose of TLC. It was the reason why I created this Six Month Sex Challenge: to make my relationship and intimacy a priority. But it seems what this Challenge has really done, so far, is highlight all the relationship cracks that need mending.
Going into the Challenge I knew getting intimacy back would be complicated. However, I’m that type of person that when I put my mind to something, I’m like a bull in a china shop. I am unrelenting and always make things happen in a big way.
But so far this pursuit to rejuvenate my sex life isn’t working. Yes, part of it is a lack of time; part finding a new sexual rhythm. But the biggest part is (subconscious?) not trusting that what we are trying to do will actually work. That once get our sex life back on track it will, once again, fall to the wayside. Neither of us wants to be let down.
It’s incredibly hard to have great sex when all these complicated emotions get in the way.
Which brings me back to my sex expert’s mantra: sex is so much more than sticking a penis inside a vagina. It’s about how a couple treats each other in and out of the bedroom. Being nice to each other. Showing affection. Not taking the relationship for granted. Making sure to put at least a little time every week into tending and maintaining the relationship.
Otherwise, as I’m ironically seeing in my own relationship, you end up after two kids having a hell of a time reconnecting.
Now it’s time to heal my relationship. My knee-jerk reaction is to move forward with my typical ball busting fierceness and simply make it work. My Spidey-senses on the other hand tell me that I need to tread lightly. I’m really at a loss as to how to make this work.
Right now I’m contemplating not completing this challenge. Stay tuned next week to see how it all goes down.
More Six Month Sex Challenge
What the ?!*?! Was I Thinking Trying to Have Sex
Finding Intimacy in the Middle of a Hernia
My Sexual Needs Versus the Football Game