A few years ago my brother called me in a panic. He was looking through his Google history and found, much to his surprise and horror, that his 14 year-old son had been looking at porn.
“How do I stop this?” he demanded.
Silence on my end.
“I'm not comfortable him searching for porn on my computer!” Fair enough.
Finally I responded, “Sooooo, how old were YOU when you picked up your first Playboy?” Now it was his turn to be silent.
I remember sneaking with my cousins to their downstairs bathroom to look at my uncle's porn collection (Is it just me or is there always one uncle in every family who had a stash of Playboy's under his bathroom sink?) I was too young to understand but was titillated. Looking through nudie picture at a young age did not in any way pervert or disturb my adult sensibility around sexuality.
And in fact, every person has their own discovery of porn/ romance novel/ erotica teenage story. What I find amazing is how parent's tend to forget their own foray into teenage sexuality and appreciating how scary/ exciting/ challenging it was.
In these awkward your child-is-turning-into-a-sexual-being moments, it's incredibly important to look back through your own introduction to sexuality to get both perspective and empathy. As uncomfortable as it is for parents to watch their child turn into someone who is interested in having sex, it is a natural progression of their evolution and as parents we need to be okay with it.
Porn is an uncomfortable topic because we've been told since inception that it's evil. That it degrades women. That it ruins marriages and families. That it is so addictive that people waste away watching it. Because porn only gets negative press and is such a hot button topic, it's difficult as parents to have a balanced perspective.
But the reality is no matter what your personal feelings on porn are, it isn't going away. No matter how you try to shield your child, if they want to look they will find way to view porn. And curiosity to seek out and watch starts with kids as young as—gulp—10 years old.
It's our job as parents to help our kids navigate and respect what porn is; as well as educate our kids about the values we hold around porn.
In the bluntest of terms, porn is a visual stimulation to help people get off while they masturbate. The majority of free online porn is vanilla, repetitive, and uninspired (kind'a boring really). Also included in the 'porn' category are: reading romance/ erotica novels, looking at nudie magazines/ internet photos, watching boundary pushing music videos.
Just saying: A 15 year old girl reading an romance/ erotic novel doesn't get the same negative, visceral reaction as a 15 year old boy looking at a 5 minute porn clip. It's the same thing: different formats.
Sitting down and having a productive conversation about your child's porn curiosity and consumption can seem daunting. It is not good enough to say, “Don't watch, or else there will be consequences.” That's just setting everyone up for failure.
Instead you need to sit them down when they are around 10 or 11 years old—I find a moving car the best way to have this conversation, they are stuck and have to listen—and walk them through the pros (yes, pros) and cons of internet porn. As well, why you and your partner have a certain set values and beliefs on watching porn.
(1) Porn, like any movie, is fantasy. It's normal to be titillated but it certainly isn't how real sex works. And it should not be the only source of sex education.
(2) Most internet porn is vanilla, some porn is just plain bad, and there's some that is evil. Help your child understand and differentiate.
(3) Everything in moderation. Too much video games, TV, sports, or even studying is not good for a person. It's okay to be inquisitive but there is no substitute for the real thing.
The term 'porn addiction' gets thrown around a ton in the media even though research suggests porn addiction does not exist. There is, therefore, an understandable concern that with all the free internet porn, kids will be sucked down that rabbit hole.
Sex Experts Advice: The vast majority of people have the checks-and-balances to only want to watch a moderate amount of porn. A tiny percentage of people watch porn to their detriment.
Think Tank discuss a new study that suggests 'porn addiction' isn't really an addiction.
RELATED: Difference Between Porn And Real Sex Explained (With Food)
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