“Most of the time when sex is initiated, I don't feel like having sex,” has been uttered by millions of guilt-laden women.
Well... ummm... of course you don't feel like having sex. Why would you? You are a woman, and your brain and body are in a completely different place.
The bigger question becomes: Does that mean you should automatically say “no” to having sex?
Well, if you truly don't feel like it, then you should not have sex. Period. But a lot of times it's much too easy to talk ourselves out of sex; saying “no” can become an automatic habit. Which is why you need to push the pause button and think about your sexual desire.
Here are some things you ought to know about sex:
There's a belief that feeling sexual desire (i.e. your desire to initiate and have sex) is this constant thing that's always available to you; which isn't true.
Each and every time you decide to have sex, you will be in a different place: emotionally, physically, and psychologically. There are so many variables that can positively or negatively affect your desire to have sex including:
These variables to you desiring or not desiring sex aren't going away, so having a good sex life is learning to make the best out of your current situation.
Countless time, I haven't felt like having sex. In fact, there have been a few times where my husband has commented, “You don't really seem into this.”
Yet I am a sex educator, and I appreciate how important it is to keep the sexual momentum going, so I have learned to go into sex with a, 'Okay, let's see how this is going to turn out' attitude. Granted once in a while sex is a big waste of my (and for that matter my husband's) time because I simply cannot get into it.
Yet the majority of the time, part way through, my brain and body relax and the sexual experience starts to feel nice—it's not earth-shattering, blow your-socks-off sex—but still absolutely worth it. This is the most common feedback I get from women: “I wasn't in the mood, and then we started having sex, about halfway through and my arousal kicked in.”
And then sometimes without understanding why or how, after things get rolling, the sexual stars align, we hit the jackpot and sex is amazing. I always walk away thinking to myself, by saying “no” I would have missed out.
If you're only waiting until you're in the mood for sex... you can be waiting a long time. In this video, Anna Sansom talks about charting her libido for 50 days and only on rare occasions—depending where she was in her menstrual cycle—feeling the urge/ desire to have sex. She talks about the need to create your sexual desire, which then in turn moves you easier into sexual arousal.
Sexual pioneers Masters & Johnson came up with the linear model of what most of us understand to be our sexual response cycle: desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution.
With all due respect to their work—they were, after all, just trying to figure it all out—their model depicts a man's sexual response cycle. It's only been recently that a new sexual response model has come on the scene and is much more accurate to the woman's experience. That is, a woman's desire to have sex can kick in at any time during the sexual experience. It usually takes some physical contact (foreplay) for her brain to move out of busy day mode and into feeling sexual.
Chances are that when sex is initiated you will feel a tug of not wanting to do it. But instead of depending on sexual desire to help motivate you, you need to create the circumstances that enable you to become sexually aroused. A big part of your sexual arousal kicking in is YOU making sure YOUR sexual needs are being met.
Taking your sexual needs into your own hands... now that's sexy, empowering, and a big reason why you will desire sex the next time around.