Watching Wendy Williams on YouTube after the kids go to bed is my guilty pleasure. I love her Hot Topics take-no-prisoners candor as she gossips about celebrity culture.
But then sometimes she and her panels talk about sex, and...I squirm, get frustrated and have to walk away from my computer. Sometimes to the point where I promise myself to never watch her show again. (Of course, I can't help myself.)
Case in point: Here, Wendy and her panel talk about scheduling sex - watch as the discussion heats up at 7:18.
(Just as an aside: In our society, scheduling sex is synonymous with a failed relationship. So part of me suspects some panelists are trying to save face by insisting they have spontaneous sex.)
That said, Jenny Hutt does try to defend why scheduling sex is important but is quickly shut down.
My brain just about exploded as LZ Granderson exclaimed, “That's why God created quickies....” Ummm. Does LZ realize that quickies are a fast, easy release...for men? That they leave the majority of women sexually unsatisfied, and contributing to why so many women have sex as a "to-do chore?"
By the end of the segment, I was literally banging my head on my computer as Wendy wrinkled her nose at the camera and said, “For those who schedule sex, to each his own. I just find it strange.”
Here's the reality about long term relationships and a healthy sex life: consistent, good sex is a habit and a couple intention. Some couples (un)consciously or intuitively understand this and create the necessary habits and intentions to make sex work within their partnership. These couples most likely do not need to schedule sex.
And then there's the rest of us who are trying to make sex work within our busy lives.
Generally, but certainly not for every couple, the man is expected to initiate sex. (Shout out to those women who will comment about how they are the only one to initiate sex). So when a couple decides they want sex to happen spontaneously, men do just that...initiate sex spontaneously.
Not surprisingly, busy women who are wrapped up in the never ending treadmill immediately freeze up from his affectionate touch and think, “Now!?!? You want sex now? How selfish are you that you can't see how wrapped up I am in my busy day?” Or, “Really? This is my only time to unwind and you expect me to fulfill your needs. Come on!” etc.
Either she either rebuffs him and he walks away feeling resentful; or she has guilt, get-this-off-my-to-do-list-for-the-week sex. The latter has both people know it's awkward and she doesn't want to, but is going along with it because neither knows how to fix the situation and it's way better than the fall out from not having sex.
Like clockwork when a couple get stuck in that type of negative spontaneous sex loop, power struggles and resentment grows and becomes increasingly difficult to fix.
I won't lie. Scheduled sex can feel contrived - especially at first. But no more awkward than when spontaneous sex is initiated and one of you goes along with it even though you don't feel like it.
Couples who make the decision to schedule sex do so because they mutually want to start the process of creating the habits and intentions to have good sex for the rest of their lives.
Because you no longer feel pounced upon, you have some control over the situation and can therefore create a space where your sexual satisfaction and needs are being met.
Instead of saying, “Oh cripes! It's Saturday morning and I just got a butt squeeze. Let's put the kids in front of the cartoons and get this over with,” rather you create a couple dynamic that feeds both of your sexual anticipation: “Okay. It's Saturday morning. Reading erotica / masturbating / rubbing my body with scented lotion makes me hot. Wearing sexy clothes makes me feel like a woman (not a mom). I'm excited to try something new from Dr. Trina's website that I texted earlier this week to my partner."
It leads to "It's the most awesome feeling for the two of us giggle over coffee Sunday morning. Choosing this way to spend 15 to 20 minutes will make us both happier, healthier and closer as a couple.”
A Sex Expert's Advice: There is no bigger gift you can give to yourself, your partner, and your partnership than coming to the sexual experience with in a good sexual head space and a bring. it. on. attitude. Scheduling sex is an easy way to create that dynamic!
To be fair, The Wendy Show has brought on excellent relationship and sex experts to answer audience questions in the past and continue to do so. And if I were to attempt to do Wendy's Hot Topics segment it would be a disaster. So I suppose when Wendy gives sex advice, we should take it with a (big) grain of salt.