Last week I wrote about an 11 year old boy who killed himself because of bullying. The news hit me hard and I’m still not entirely sure why. Perhaps it was his age, or the fact that there is just way too much of this going on. But you should know, that blog was written with tears and a snotty nose. Maybe that’s why it touched a nerve. Whatever the reason, it resonated with people because ultimately, we’re all sick of this.
October is anti-bullying month, and my fellow blogger Catherine has continued the conversation over at her blog. She has written a beautiful blog about a campaign called Paws Up and about how we need to talk until we’re blue in the face with our children and that we need to create an atmosphere where children who are bullied feel safe. I’m in total agreement. Where we part paths is here:
Catherine says “Blame isn’t really the point”.
Actually, I think blame is the missing link in the anti-bullying campaign. Why are we so reluctant to place blame where it rightfully belongs? Let's look at the definition:
Blame - to find fault with, to hold responsible, to place responsibility for
So, when you are blamed it says you are irresponsible, you are accountable, you are at fault. I just don’t see what’s wrong with that. It seems to me that our efforts to stop bullying are weighted too heavy on the side of the victim. I’m not looking to dismiss or diminish the many thoughtful, heartfelt programs out there. They are needed for the bullied, but the bully only laughs in the face of this. In fact, the young man that Paws Up was started for? His bullies went on to torment his sister after her brother killed himself. I don’t think this young man is going to feel moved by music and inspirational words quite like we are. So how do you address that? Blame is a good place to start.
Maybe, just maybe, if we started laying blame squarely at the feet of those responsible, bullying would start to wane. I suggested last week that parents need to be called to the mat for their kids' behaviour and I stand by that. Our response does not always need to be punitive, but it does need to create culpability. Bullies and those responsible for them should not get to walk away leaving a path of destruction behind them. How often do we hear of a child having to leave schools because they couldn’t take the bullying anymore? That’s ridiculous! The bully should have to leave. The bully should be separated from their peers. Their parent's lives need to be upset, just like the parents of the poor kid being picked on. It seems to me that the actions we currently take only serve to further punish the child being pushed around.
I don’t operate in a black and white world, there are grey areas everywhere. Obviously there are kids who sadly don’t have parents, but they probably have caretakers and if you’re “taking care” of a child that bullies, sorry, but you own some blame too. Possibly, the bullied child is bullied at home and we need to invest resources there to educate and help parents find a different path. Possibly the child comes from a well to do home, where they are spoiled and not held accountable. Again, time to call that family in and help them. Maybe the bully is being raised by a single mom who is too exhausted or stretched thin to take care of her child properly. Maybe, as seen in the comments from last week's blog, a child has autism or asperger’s and needs help coping.
Blame may not be the answer in every situation, but I think it’s something we’re not doing enough of when it comes to bullying. It’s great to run a good defence, but you need an offense too. Leave your pitchforks in the closet, we have systems in place to actually deal with this, we’re just not using them effectively. We need to raise our voices with our schools and our government and lay some blame there too. They can no longer look the other way either. After all, their mandate is to “take care” as well.
All these anti-bullying campaigns we run are fantastic and yet bullying is at epidemic levels, because no one is held accountable. When children cause other children to commit suicide, do we fault Lady Gaga for not doing enough? Or the anti-bullying campaign of the day? Of course not. Is education key? Absolutely. Ultimately though, why are we in this situation? Because nobody is to blame.
Postscript: Catherine, sending you hugs across the miles because although we differ on how to address some of these issues, our end goal is the same. Having our children safe. Paws Up indeed, I think that's a mother bear's natural stance isn't it?
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