Anne Radcliffe


The Terrible, Unspeakable Things That Can Happen When Cities Plant Trees

These things will happen if the tree-planters win.

The Terrible, Unspeakable Things That Can Happen When Cities Plant Trees |

In Brentwood, Alberta, it's not a fight with the city regarding parking tickets or new stoplights. These residents are mad cause the city is trying to plant... trees. Ellen Burgess is happy with the safety of her neighborhood. But she says: "If you give people more places to hide, more naughty things will be done." And she's going door to door to stop the city from planting trees in the nearby park to prevent the area from becoming a haven for urban campers and drug-using teenagers.

I can understand Ellen's frustration. Trees are pretty evil, after all. If we don't stop the tree planters, these things will happen if the tree planters win:

Kids might play hide and seek

What fun would that be? The "It" kids might have their self esteem hurt if the park isn't open and they can't find their friends in less than two seconds.


People will have fresh air to enjoy

Oxygen breathers! I hate those guys. Trees just encourage their continued existence. 


There might be fall leaves to play in

Nobody likes leaves. You've got to rake them and bugs like to hide in them. They fall from the trees, all majestic-like, and annoying kids and animals like to play in them. They definitely don't inspire people to paint, take photos, or write poetry. They're just a flat out, ugly nuisance.


Trees keep things cool

We're breaking the hottest summers on record every year. Why would we want to stop that trend by planting trees that remove CO2 from the air? A little mop sweat will build character in our kids, right? We don't want them to grow up to be cool-loving pansies.


Small wildlife will have a place to hang out

Birds, bunnies and squirrels? Fuck those guys. Kids don't need to see those things living near our super-domesticated burb domiciles. Cats can deal with hiding in the one bush in our front yard, and dogs can use the fire hydrants.


Trees muffle traffic

Listen. I've paid good money to live in a place that has a short commute to a highway. I want to listen to cars and trucks driving at high speeds all night long, like the sweet urban lullabye it is. I don't want trees muffling breaking that noise up.


It might be beautiful

Just ugh.


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