You would think that a food product that's essentially a meat cylinder would be easy to prepare correctly and in the most delicious manner possible.
Alas, this is not true.
For your benefit, I am including all the information you need to know on how to prepare hot dogs correctly:
All proper hot dogs should be prepared on the grill. Honest charcoal is preferred. Do not allow applewood mesquite smoke to touch your hot dog in any circumstance.
Boiling is an acceptable alternative if snow is too deep to get to your grill, however the water must be heavily salted (like the ocean to the taste) and the hot dogs must be sliced lengthwise to the center to allow seasoning to permeate the dog in an attempt to make up for the lack of BBQ flavour.
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Steaming hot dogs is never proper. If you're attempting to watch your salt intake, go eat a salad instead. Do not use devices like this unless you want to be considered a simpleton. In fact, if you've ever owned a device like this, you should be flogged with the spiky-side of a grill scrub brush. I hear you can be beheaded for such crimes in other parts of the world.
Many a person may ask what the correct etiquette for eating a hot dog in a gentlemanly fashion is. You should always use your hands. Never, ever should a fork or knife touch the surface of a hot dog, unless it is being used to spread condiments.
To clean your mouth-hole after consuming a hot dog, you should employ your arm, your sleeve, or perhaps a paper napkin. Napkins should never be cloth, and never, never should they be that unholy synthetic material that napkins are sometimes made out of. Paper towels are an OK substitute for paper napkins, as long as they're not hoity-toity Bounty select-a-size.
Fingers should be licked, not wiped, unless you want to be considered a pretentious a-hole.
Cutting your hot dogs into funny shapes, whether or not you are attempting to entertain children, is an abomination offensive to all things. There's nothing more to be said about this.
Beer is the only permissible adult beverage allowed to be served with hot dogs. Wine and wine spritzers should never be served with hot dogs. Mixed drinks are also offensive, especially if they contain fruits or umbrellas.
Wrong. Just wrong.
Just because you can do something doesn't mean that you should do something. I can inject my hot dogs full of raspberry jelly, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea or haute cuisine. Were you raised in a barn? You probably were raised in a barn, you animals.
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I like to call these sort of things Yokel-Fusion. There's a special Pinterest-y place in hell for people who defile beautiful food in this low-brow way.
Putting condiments on the bun before the hot dog is a mortal sin. You should always, always dress the dog, not the bun.
Also, there's a correct order to putting condiments on hot dogs: wet ones like ketchup and mustard first, chunky second, garnishes like cheese and seasonings go on last.
If you put the cheese on before your chili because someone was using the chili ladle? Well then too bad, so sad! No chili for you good sir. That's uncivilized, and we don't roll that way.
Proper hot dogs should consist of pork and/or beef. Chicken is not an acceptable alternative, and meatless hot dogs will only serve to contaminate your grill. Forever. If you let a tofu-dog touch your grill, you'll have to buy a new one because you cannot char-broil the smell of your shame off of it.
Do you want your guests to be asking you all night, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?" Nobody wants to see four-cheese-and-basil hot dog buns. Nobody.
Sesame and plain buns are sacrosanct, and your fancy buns have no place here.
A standard-sized hot dog should be consumed in a maximum of 5 bites if you're male. Foot-long hot dogs should not exceed 7 bites. 1 extra bite is allowed if the toppings of hot dog could be considered gratuitous, however the definition of "gratuitous" is determined by your peers, so choose wisely.
Ladies: To consume a hot dog in under 3 bites (although skillful and possibly useful in attracting the phone number of men) could be considered inappropriate.
*NOTE: Anne may be a foodie, but she's no food snob. She doesn't care if you take your dogs boiled, grilled, in batter on a stick, or raw and straight from the package. We hope you all have a great April Fool's Day and remember; if it tastes good and you like to eat it; you're doing it RIGHT!
Images sourced and modified according to CC licensing.
Barbarian-dog: Modified Flickr CC
Octo-dog: Flicker CC
Spaghetti-dog: Flicker CC
Parisian-dog: Flicker CC
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